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Carl Crawford Steals Six Bases, Your YooHoo, Your Girlfriend, Your Anal Virginity and Your Bike during Yesterdays Game Against the Red Sox

posted May 4, 2009, 11:24 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated May 4, 2009, 11:38 AM ]
While you were enjoying the Boston Red Sox- Tampa Bay [Devils] Rays games yesterday, you were slowly but surely being robbed of your possessions by [Devil] Rays OF Carl Crawford. We caught up with you during the game at the Trop in Tampa and it appeared that you were unaware that items were being taken from you, until it was all too late. 
At one point, after Crawford stole second base off Jason Varitek and Brad Penny in the 1st inning, you immediately cheered and reached for your Yoohoo to quench your thirst for a chocolate drink only to find that the bottle had been swiped from you. You simply told a Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun reporter "I guess I finished it", completely ignoring the fact that Carl Crawford was happily sipping your Yoohoo after he advanced to third on a throwing error by Varitek.
In the bottom of the 5th inning, your girlfriend had mentioned that she "needed to powder her nose", a phrase that bothers the shit out of you, and she slipped out of her seat. You had told her to pick you up another YooHoo because, as you said, "I finished my first Yoohoo in like 5 seconds". While your annoying girlfriend was off powdering her fucking nose and buying you another YooHoo, Carl Crawford had managed to hit a single off Penny, steal second base, steal third base, and then kidnap your girlfriend. For the rest of the game, Crawford had her chained to his locker with duct tape over her mouth.
By the 7th inning, your girlfriend had not returned, but as you joked to us "fuck her, the Yoohoo guy came around our section so she can continue crying over her miscarriage or her dead mother or some shit. This is a good game". Meanwhile, Carl Crawford hit a one out single off Manny DelCarmen and managed to steal second. From the Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun reporter's vantage point, you then displayed an expression of severe pain, so much so that you were unable to sit down any longer. You muffled your sobs but it all became too much for you so you excused yourself to purchase ice water to pour down the back of your pants.
The pain of Carl Crawford stealing your anal virginity became too intense in the 8th so you decided to leave the Trop for medical treatment. As you were gingerly walking out of the stadium, Carl Crawford reached on an infield single off Hunter Jones and proceeded to steal second base and the bike you rode to the stadium. It turns out, Crawford stealing your bike was a blessing in disguise as you probably wouldn't be able to sit on the seat for the entire 3 mile trip back home. Your girlfriend is still at the Trop, chained to Crawford's locker, a trophy Crawford will cherish for at least a week until you bring your 6 year old niece to a game on May 14th, against the Indians.