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Buster Olney: "Tom Glavine Should Be Bludgeoned to Death and Left in a Pool of Blood in the Garage of His Family's Home."

posted Jun 6, 2009, 6:26 AM by Steven Seagal

We're all voracious Buster Olney readers, here - I think we can agree on that.  But some of us have been left scratching our heads at Olney's recent column on Tom Glavine.  Our Asian Correspondent, Shin Soo Choo, provides some valuable insight that has cleared things up for a lot of us.  To be honest, we reach a different conclusion than Choo's (we believe Glavine deserves everything Griffey got) but the analysis is invaluable.  Additionally, he has provided new lexicon for our vocabulary, giving us "The Griffey Treatment."

Without further ado, Shin Soo Choo, on murder-oo:

Without a wide breadth of worldly knowledge, I would have been unable to make any sense of Buster Olneys recent pontifications on RHP Tom Glavines release by the Atlanta Braves entitled, Tom Glavine deserved Griffey's fate.  Luckily, my time spent as foreign correspondent has afforded me the perspective required to follow the meandering prose of a Vanderbilt graduate.  Allow me to enlighten those readers whose knowledge of grisly murders is bound by those great seas that surround the American continent -- notably the so-called Pacific.


These days, the streets of Seoul are abuzz with one story: the stagnant case of Australian millionaire Michael Griffeys murder.  Globetrotting sports reporter Buster Olney obviously refers to the incident with the aforementioned menacing headline, implying that Glavine should be bludgeoned to death and left in a pool of blood in the garage of his family's home.  To make matters worse, the linked fates of Griffey and Glavine unfold in Melbournes [tasteless] outer-southeastern suburbs.  After the bludgeoning, I infer that Glavine deserves to be left there -- wrapped in a sheet and car cover -- for days while [his wife] and their children hold a New Year's Eve party at which fourteen guests play tennis and swim in his pool.


If Olneys understanding of Griffeys fate can be extended to that of his family, then Mrs. Glavine deserves to be charged with the murder of her husband only to be released after her daughter confesses to the crime.  Both suspects then deserve to be discharged, but not before the prosecution performs an insanely exxxtreme Nolle Prosequi over their soiled reputations.


The ESPN writer drives his point home by ridiculing the Atlanta Braves amateurish treatment of their former pitcher, comparing Glavines release to butchery with a pen knife.  Clearly, B.O. believes Glavine deserves something far more brutal: the Griffey treatment.


Hear me, Buster Olney.  Tom Glavine is a 300 game winner, two time Cy Young Winner, and a great Dad.  He deserves your respect.  And your balls on a platter, you know nothing dingle dong.