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Brian McCann Suffering From Mysterious "Blurry Vision" Condition

posted Apr 21, 2009, 10:55 AM by Steven Seagal
Brian McCann, mired in a 1-20 slump to start the season, is suffering from a condition that causes him to be unable to focus his eyes despite his best efforts to do so.  "I can't understand it," said McCann, "It's like, I want to read that sign over there, but all the letters blur together and I can't distinguish one from the other."  The Atlanta Braves medical staff is equally perplexed, explains Braves head athletic trainer Jeff Porter.  "We are currently investigating the cause of Brian's condition, but at this time we are baffled," Porter explains.  "You see, I'm no physicist, but it's almost as though the shape of the lenses of his eyes has slowly changed over time, causing him to be unable to focus the light onto his retina in the pinpoint way that you or I can.  We have never seen anything like it, and we are feverishly researching the condition to find out if anyone has experienced such a thing in the past."
Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun reporters took the liberty of calling a local optometrist, who, after describing McCann's condition, replied "Sounds like he needs glasses.  What, are they retarded?"  Informed that the staff was from Atlanta, he quickly replied "Oh, that explains it."
Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun ranks the Atlanta training staff as 2nd most retarded to The Milwaukee training staff, who, after months of hand wringing over Kevin Mench's nagging turf toe injury, discovered that Mench was wearing shoes a size too small for him.