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Breaking News! Developing Story! Extra! Baseball Seagal Benches The Godfather! Rift Grows Between Baseball and Website Seagal Management Camps!

posted May 29, 2009, 4:41 AM by Steven Seagal
In a move this website deems absolutely indefensible, Steven Seagal has apparently benched the eponymous grizzled veteran, the undisputed quiet leader of Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun, the Jake Taylor, the sage father-figure for younger teammates like Baseball Pacman, the Brothers Upton, and Drug Buddy Hunter Pence, beloved battery-mate to Dharren, the Spit Machine, John "The Lackman Delivers!" Lackman, and Jonathan "We Don't Have a Nickname But Anyone Who Has An "X" in His Name Should Be Easy" Broxton:
 
Ramon Hernandez.
   
That's right.  In favor of over-hyped, upstart "uber-prospect" Matt "Shooting Fish In A Barrel Easy Nickname" Weiners.  I think he's like 16.  The Godfather has got to be developing a complex, being moved out of Baltimore to make room for Weiners and now being benched for him on Seagal's team.  Fantasy Baseball Seagal has shown so much confidence in this untested, untried, ungrizzled little bastard that he's choosing to start him over The Godfather, regardless of the effects it will clearly have on the rest of the team.  Who do you think smoothed things over when The Lackman threw at The Hebrew SLEDGEHAMMER (fuck you, Ryan Braun, you're not on the team anymore.  Kinsler wrecks you.  I'm sorry, Brauny.  I didn't mean it.  I'll always have a soft spot for you, perennial Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun soldier) twice and got thrown out of the game?  Ramon Hernandez.  Who do you think eased the Cherokee Spirit's wrath when Baseball Pacman ripped a liner into his knee?  Ramon Hernandez.  The collateral damage to the team chemistry cannot be ignored, despite The Godfather's mediocre stats.
 
What is undeniable is that the rift between the website and baseball operations have now reached "Tampa Bay-New York Operations under Steinbrenner the Elder" proportions and have plunged Seagal into an existential crisis.  This Weiners kid better be good, Seagal, because this website will spare no nasty adjectives in its criticism of this decision should he falter.  Point totals will be compared on an at-bat basis.  You will be held accountable for this decision.
 
If you turn out to be right, though, and the kid puts on a Longoria performance, we will delete this article and claim we were for it all along.
 
Even though Ramon Hernandez is a member of the Cincinatti Reds organization, he still finds time to hit walk-off homeruns for his former team, the Baltimore Orioles. The Godfather is a cut above in terms of class, integrity and sportsmanship. Although never admitted, it's an open secret throughout the league that any current or former teammate of the Godfather would take a bullet for the guy.  He's undoubtedly the glue that holds Seagal's fantasy team together.
 
Spoiled brat Matt Weiners, shown above, rests on a bench alone, away from his teammates to whom he sees himself far superior. Scouts believe Weiners' contentious attitude and complete disregard for anyone but himself will spell certain doom for Steven Seagal's tightknit group of young respectful players and battle tested veterans. One scout, who spoke on the condition of anonymity, told us "Look at that kid, wearing his sunglasses, acting like his shit don't stink. What an asshole. He'll tear that Seagal's team to shreds."
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