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An Open Letter to Omar Minaya

posted Jan 12, 2009, 3:22 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 1:03 PM ]
Mr. Minaya,
It is not given for mere mortals to understand the Will of Jacobs.  Even though I am far from mortal and at least a million times better than the rest of the human populace (this population excepts, of course, Philadelphia natives - who are subhuman), Jacobs' design is veiled from my eyes.  Perhaps I am Job and Jacobs is merely testing my faith.  In any event, Omar, please do all you can to acquire Derek Lowe or Oliver Perez at your earliest convenience.  I can often be heard telling everyone who will listen that I am very confident in your ability to provide our team with the pieces it needs to win, so I don't want to overstep my bounds here and tell you how to do your job.  You should know, though, that with Philly defeating the Giants this weekend after already having sullied the World Series title by claiming victory in October, I am very much worried that the barbarians are at the gates and the mutants are getting stronger.  I feel now that Jacobs may be giving me a taste of defeat in the NFL, having allowed me to savor victory merely 1 year ago, so that I may more appreciate the impending annihilation of our NL East "rivals" throughout the season.  Or perhaps He will dig me out of the depths of my depression with a Rangers playoff run and Stanley Cup Championship.  Whatever His plan, I will continue to have faith and hold strong, and I only ask that you, Mr. Minaya, keep your ears open to the Word of Jacobs, and acquire one (or both, if it is His Will) of these two starters to fortify our beloved Mets against what looks to be a strong NL East division and the Nationals.  If you want to wait for Lowe to sign with the Braves or something and then acquire Perez for like 3 years, $3.50, which would seem to be his going rate once Lowe signs, then fine - I'm all for it.  And if you keep talking about wanting to acquire a right handed bat to balance our lefty dominated lineup, I'm with you.  And if Jacobs whispers that perhaps, arguably, the best right handed hitter in the game could be had for 2 years, say... $55M... why not listen?  And though these decisions are above my pay grade, I can't say I'd balk if you told me I'd have to guarantee a third year.  Omar, all I'm asking is that you listen - because Jacobs will speak - and HE will know if Manny will pout like a bitch and quit on his teammates in the 2nd year of a 3 year deal in Citi Field, or if he'll just want to laugh it up with that big goofy grin and be an RBI machine.
Anyway, Omar, you have all of my support, and I feel comfortable placing my trust in you, but just keep your ears open.  And tell Jerry Manuel to do the same, so if he hears a voice mention that he may want to drill Rollins during every at bat in a game in early May, he will listen.  Also, tell him that I often act as a conduit for Jacobs, so if he hears ME telling him to drill Rollins, it's probably Jacobs and he shouldn't hesitate.
Your sensei,
Steven Seagal
PS.  I heard Chad Cordero is an injury-risk sleeper who may be had on the cheap and bring closers experience to the Seventh inning.  Just a thought.

I'm also a free-lance graphic designer, so I drew up a draft of a little something you might consider for a press release of your off-season moves.