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An Open Letter to MLB General Managers from Casey Close

posted Feb 6, 2009, 4:34 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:35 AM ]
I have been reading countless pernicious and stubborn rumors being repeated in many major news media outlets that my client, the incredibly talented right handed free agent pitcher Ben Sheets, has a torn flexor tendon in his elbow that will require surgery to repair, and therefore cause him to miss much, if not all, of the 2009 Major League Baseball season.  I want to say with absolute certainty that this rumor is patently false.
Okay, maybe there is some truth to the rumor.  I'll admit that Benny's flexor tendon is a bit nicked up, but certainly not torn.  Maybe it's got a little rip in it.  Torn seems like such a harsh word.  Okay, so he's going to have surgery on it.  But that isn't even the real issue here.  I'm just going to get right down to it.  Have you ever seen Rookie of the Year?  For those of you who have, you know exactly where I'm going with this.  For those who haven't, I highly recommend it - but in the meantime, let me explain:  Henry Rowengartner is a 12 year old with dreams of playing Major League Baseball, but with talent that is mediocre at best.  One day he breaks his arm playing catch, and the ensuing treatment causes his tendons to heal a little "too tight," transforming his Bobby Abreu arm into an absolute cannon.

What does this have to do with Benny boy?  Do I have to spell it out for you?  I've talked to the surgeon, and he's agreed to "tighten things up" a bit.  Now I tell you this, if this concept could turn a 12 year old limp wristed orphan (or maybe that's Angels in the Outfield, I can't remember) into a fucking flamethrower, can you imagine what it's going to do for my boy Benny?  I'm just going to come right out and say it - he's going to throw 150 MPH.  That's right.  I'm just going to pause to let that sink in for a second.

Okay, Coletti, have you thought about who's going to get Manny out when you lose out to him to the Giants?  Cash - have you considered what a 150 - 80 MPH change of speeds will do to the still inexperienced Tampa Bay [Devil] Rays hitters?  Omar - have you considered what a 150MPH fastball will do to Jimmy Rollins' skull?

Guys, lots of pitchers' agents base their requests on previous deals.  People want "Zito money," "Clemens money," etc.  I want "Citi Field" money - $400M over 20 years.  We're starting the bidding there.  I know this may come as a shock to you, but again, I implore you - picture the Phillies equipment manager struggling to clean Jimmy Rollins' brains out of Victorino's uniform after he's showered with brain matter and pieces of skull in the on deck circle.  Is that alone worth $400M?  I think we can all agree that it is.

Finally, if anyone has seen the movie, rest assured - Ben knows all about the hidden ball trick and playing chicken, so when his tendons loosen up in a pivitol moment he can get those last few crucial outs.  If you haven't seen the movie, just stop it about half way through.

Thank you for your time.  You know the number.