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AJ Burnett Suffers Strained Rib Cage in Fat Chick Related Incident- Serial Fat Chick a "Near Certainty"

posted Apr 15, 2009, 11:21 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Apr 15, 2009, 12:13 PM ]
Almost 1 week ago, Chris Carpenter pitched 6 2/3 no hit innings against Pittsburgh before going home with a mysterious fat chick.  In his next start against Arizona, he strained his ribcage during an at bat in the 4th inning.  He appears headed for a trip to the DL.
 
On Tuesday night, AJ Burnett took a no hit bid of his own into the 7th inning.  He left after 8 innings of 3 hit ball.  Teammates reported seeing him leave the park "in a huge SUV, with a huge chick."  Photographs of both Carpenter and Burnett taken by Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench photographers were analyzed this morning in Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench's Manhattan office by Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench photographic experts, who were able to confirm that the Burnett's fat chick was indeed the same mysterious fat chick who spent the night with Chris Carpenter nearly one week ago.  Almost immediately after the shocking discovery, Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench doctors examined Burnett and diagnosed him with the exact same ribcage strain suffered by Carpenter.  The doctors' comments included "eerie," "shocking," "astonishing," "unbelievable.  Un believable.  I mean it, absolutely unbelievable," "baffling," and (in an Italian accent) "freaky.  Way, way freaky."
 
Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench officials have been working in concert with MLB league offices and have alerted security at all Major League ballparks to be on high alert for any fat chicks.  Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench President, Steven Seagal, issued the following statement together with Major League Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig:
 
"We are saddened and terrified to notify you that it is a near certainty that we have a serial fat chick on our hands.  As such, the Fat Chick Alert has been raised to Red (Imminent Danger of Fat Chick) from its previous level of Yellow (Possible Fat Chick) following Carpenter's ordeal.  We had hoped the events of 4/9/09 were an isolated incident, but unfortunately for Burnett, it seems certain that they were not.
 
Gentlemen, we've got ourselves a fat chick.
 
If not for the tireless efforts of the Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench team, we may not have realized the severity of the circumstances we are dealing with - a severity which forced us to skip the Orange (Probable Fat Chick) alert altogether.  It is vitally important to know that we are dealing with a fat chick, but this is only part of the battle.  Until this fat chick is apprehended, we must all be vigilent to the highest degree.  We know a little bit about how this fat chick operates - clearly, she preys on fatigue - so those who are in the 7th inning or later are probably most vulnerable.  Managers should keep this in mind when making decisions about whether to remove a pitcher.  Additionally, Michael Kay seems to be instrumental in the modus operandi of this particular fat chick.  It appears that the fat chick recruits him to utter a certain incantation rendering the victim powerless to resist her fatness.  Accordingly, Michael Kay has been executed.
 
In times like these, we must all band together and watch each other's backs.  When fat chicks are lurking, your buddy is your best defense.  Lets be safe and take care of each other out there, boys.  Friends don't let friends go home with a fat chick."
 
                                    -Steven Seagal and Bud Selig
The infamous Cubs Fat Chick, who terrorized Mark Prior and Kerry Wood.  She was the last fat chick to warrant a Fat Chick Alert level of Red.
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