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A-rod: Soulless Two-Timer or Gorgeous Poet?

posted Nov 28, 2008, 1:01 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:50 PM ]
It's becoming increasingly difficult to separate fact from fiction in the A-rod saga, but Steven Seagal has some insight.  It is no secret that Mr. Rod generally has a reputation for being a little bit of a - to be politically correct - "bitch," but lately we've been getting conflicting reports.  Mrs. Rod is reportedly lamenting that her "6ft, 3in, 220lbs soulless, soon-to-be ex-husband is abandoning his kids on Thanksgiving to be with Madonna" in an email to friends.  While Steven Seagal isn't exactly sure what Mr. Rod's exact height and weight have to do with his capacity to experience human compassion (ie, having a soul), he certainly doesn't take accusations of soullessness lightly.  If this turns out to be true, I might have to begin to respect him.  Let's examine:

Mr. Rod's past doesn't exactly conjure up images of "soulless."  Sunning himself, shirtless, in Central Park, limp wristedly attempting to smack the ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove in 2004, yelling "MINE!" behind Toronto's Howie Clark on a fly ball, etc, etc.  On top of this, the aforementioned Madonna has referred to him as an individual who has "the heart of a poet trapped in an insanely gorgeous body."  It has also been reported that he has been penning "sweet, personal, and rambling expressions of his feelings" to Madonna.  Soulless?  Hrm.  Perhaps we can get to the truth by examining the motives driving the women behind the conflicting comments.

Mrs. Rod:  Furious, seething, woman-scorned who has to endure her (insanely rich) husband's decision to leave her for a 50 year old washed up pop-singer who made a name for herself by inventing the "Pop Whore" mold, and has the added insult of watching the entire ugly thing play out in the media.

Madonna:  Homewrecker who only just recently left her own husband and father of her children, only to dress up her son in a Yankees shirt for photo ops in a public park the day after she announced her estrangement from her husband (and yes, father of the kid) in a move that reportedly made the publicly cuckolded father cry.

Who can blame A-rod for not wanting to go home for Thanksgiving with his ex-wife and kids? His chances of emerging from that dinner with his nuts intact were virtually zero.  I don't think anyone would say avoiding dinner with the ex makes you soulless - that's just a smart move.  However, the love notes serve to uphold Mr. Rod's previous reputation.  Clearly, Madonna is a soulless cunt.  A-rod is still just a bitch, worthy of no respect from Steven Seagal.  Whew, that was a close one.

Madonna - soulless
A-rod - bitch

Madonna's muse, A-rod, strikes a classical pose in an effort to provide inspiration for Madonna's current work in progress, tentatively titled "If Your Guy Can't Satisfy You (It's Time to Put a Big Bat in Your Hot Corner)"