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Thanks, Mets!

posted Feb 6, 2010, 2:29 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 6, 2010, 3:16 PM ]

Today I arrived home from work to find a package awaiting me on the kitchen counter.  I tore into it like a little kid on Christmas morning, despite the fact that it was February 6th, and found that my yuletide emotion was entirely appropriate:



Better late than never, I suppose.  This is one of those moments when you swell with pride at being a Met fan.  Who needs 27 World Championships when you can have Christmas in February?

The real story here is the travesty that I've just realized we've never shared the news of our line of customizable furniture with you.  See the latest marketing partnerships post, where I partner with, well, myself.

Omar Minaya Anxiously Awaiting $21.5M Check From Angels

posted Jan 24, 2010, 1:40 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jan 24, 2010, 2:02 PM ]

Comments made recently by the Mets front office display what appears to be a deeply flawed understanding of the deal they made with the Angels to acquire Gary Matthews Jr.  Asked about whether the Mets were finished making significant moves this offseason, Omar chuckled, responding "Well, maybe - until we made the deal to take that clubhouse cancer [Gary Matthews Jr.] off the Angels' hands.  Now we can put that twenty million bucks to good use."  When informed that the Mets would not be receiving $21.5M from the Angels, but rather that the Angels would pay $21.5M of Matthews' salary, Minaya was shocked into silence.  Recovering slightly, he stammered "We owe the guy $1M per year left on his 2 year contract.  That's got to be all he's making, right?  The rest is ours, right?  I mean, c'mon, how much more than $1M can that guy make?"  An assistant whispered into Minaya's ear, and he immediately turned pale and walked away from the podium.

No news yet on how this affects Minaya's rumored interest in Barry Zito and $80M from the Giants.

Fuck You.

posted Jan 2, 2010, 9:30 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jan 2, 2010, 9:58 AM ]

I've been hearing a lot of shit lately about how I'm too good to write the website anymore now that my new hit show Lawman is being regularly aired. Well, you're wrong.  I've always been too good to write the website, but I do whatever I want - like fly my Mets colors at the Yankees ticker tape parade - see below.  Anyway, I woke up this morning like any other day - blood soaked sheets and a chip on my shoulder.  Except today I decided it was time to grace you all again with my presence.  So here it is.  The website is back.  I don't know what kind of regularity I can promise with the updates, because I don't promise anything.  It's a new year.  You're fuckin welcome.


Jerry Hairston Jr. Distracted By Screaming Michael Kay

posted Aug 31, 2009, 5:59 PM by Steven Seagal

Andy Pettitte was perfect through 7 and 2/3 innings before an error by Yankees 3rd baseman Jerry Hairston Jr ended Pettitte's bid for history.  Nick Markakis followed Hairston's error with a single down the 3rd base line to take away the no hitter and put Pettitte, with a 2 run lead, 2 outs and two men on, squarely on "the precipice of distaster," according to an emotional Michael Kay.  Hairston explained in the post-game press conference that he was distracted by the incessent yelling of Michael Kay from the visiting announcer's box.  "He kept yelling "PERFECTION!" and screaming that Pettitte was the "Prince of Perfection" throughout the game.  It was very distracting."  Teammates comforted Hairston in the dugout following the inning, most of whom offering sympathetic condolensces to Hairston and conceding that they, too, were distracted.  "I heard Michael yell "FLAWLESS VICTORY!" after the 3rd inning," said Yankees 1st baseman Yankees Teixeira, "and from then on he just wouldn't really shut up.  Most of us don't believe in no-hitter superstitions, but we also don't believe in douchebags reminding us that a guy has gotten 9 outs without allowing a baserunner."  A-rod, on the bench for a scheduled day off, could also be seen talking to Hairston following the inning.  Asked what A-rod had said to him, Hairston replied that he wasn't comforting him at all, but rather was asking "What does "perfect game" mean?"  "I just told him not to worry about it," said Hairston. "He just shrugged and walked away whistling."

"Hey, Z Z, Does Your S&C Coach Ever Use a Hammer?"

posted Aug 30, 2009, 11:59 AM by Steven Seagal

It's playing in New York big.  It's bone chips in your elbow big.

Retractions, Corrections, and Clarifications...

posted Aug 6, 2009, 5:02 AM by Steven Seagal

A couple of our recent posts have drawn the ire of the NY Mets front office, and Citi Field has demanded that we issue the following statement under threat of litigious retaliation.  Our initial reaction was to tell them to go fuck themselves, but our lawyer, Dr. Foxyrotten, recommended we comply with their demands, or, as he put it, "Bend over for that big Mets cock."  In any event, please see the below statement from the NY Mets:
 
Mr. Seagal:
 
It has come to the attention of the New York Mets organization that your tasteless website has recently displayed a disturbing proclivity for the dissemination of falsehoods and rumors regarding a number of our players who are currently rehabbing in our exclusive, lavish Port St. Lucie Spa and Resort.  It is true that our 25 man roster is of a substantially different composition than we anticipated at the start of the 2009 season.  However, every one of the injured starters is slated to return in the very near future.  To correct any rumors reported on your website or elsewhere, we present to your readership the true status of the NY Mets starters:
 
  • Carlos Beltran's knee is just fine.  His rehab is going swimmingly.  The report you issued was based on a typographical error from the training staff - Beltran actually fielded three hundred (300) fly balls in the outfield, and threw every one of them for strikes to home plate, doing foul line to foul line sprints between each one.  I think we can all agree that a little stiffness is to be expected after such a strenuous workout.
  • Luis Castillo is not dead.  He was flown to Buffalo moments after his removal from Tuesday's game and started at 2nd base at Triple A Buffalo.  He hit 3 home runs in 4 at bats while stealing 3 bases, including home.  Twice.  He also pitched a scoreless inning of relief to earn his first save of the season.
  • Jon Niese was removed from yesterday's start due to excessive dominance and will make his next start.  He threw 236 pitches in a simulated game against rehabbing Beltran, Reyes, Castillo, and Delgado.
  • JJ Putz continues to throw from flat ground.  When asked if he was ready to throw from a mound, he responded to training staff "Oh, I'm plenty ready for the mound.  I don't think the mound is ready for me."  The Citi Field grounds crew is working around the clock to reinforce the mound in preparation for Putz's imminent return.
  • Jose Reyes continues to relax and gather strength in preparation for the 20-4 stretch run.  His regiment includes daily massages, seaweed wraps, and facials.  His hamstring has been 100% healthy since May, roughly 6 hours after his initial injury.
  • Carlos Delgado continues his important outreach work in the Dominican Republic.  He has no reported injury and will return as soon as his presence on the field becomes more necessary than his selfless work with those poor, needy children.
  • Unfortunately, John Maine is, in fact, dead.  Our heartfelt condolences go out to the Maine family.
  • Billy Wagner threw only 8 pitches because he needed only 8 pitches to annihilate the opposition in his inning of work.  After the game, he reported that if required, he could have thrown 800.  Miles per hour.
  • Fernando Martinez is not injured, but rather has been promoted to VP of Player Development.  His meteoric rise through the farm system displayed that he has what it takes to develop at an incredible rate, and he will use those skills to teach other, less gifted athletes how to make it to the majors at age 20. 
We trust that this will be sufficient to set the record straight.  We would also like to say that aside from these recent posts, we - as an organization - love your work.  We look forward and wait with bated breath for the release of Out for Lyfe.
 
Respectfully yours,
Jeff Wilpon

Luis Castillo Dead After Falling Down Dugout Stairs

posted Aug 5, 2009, 3:41 PM by Steven Seagal

The New York Mets' season to this point was summed up by Keith Hernandez's comments after Luis Castillo died last night as a result of falling down some steps. Mr. Hernandez just kept incredulously repeating the line "Are you serious?" a few times before play-by-play announcer Gary Cohen answered Keith's rhetorical question with "Yes, Keith. Luis Castillo is dead".

For the sake of the fans in attendance, Luis Castillo's lifeless body was carried in the upright position out of the dugout and gently thrown into the Citi Field furnace. Those fans who stayed until the bitter end of last night's loss, were notified upon their exit that this was the Mets' third straight loss, Luis Castillo is dead. In fact, those were the exact words ominously uttered over the stadium PA system. "This is the Mets third straight loss. Luis Castillo is dead" boomed over the stadium PA system with the least amount of compassion possible.

Luis Castillo's funeral will be held at dusk this Friday at Citi field.  All season ticket holders are welcome to attend the funeral on July 15 when the Mets give away Magnetic Picture Frames to the first 15,000 fans.

In other more recent news, the Mets scored 9 runs, shut out the Cards and Jon Niese is dead too.

Prince Fielder Tries To Invade Dodgers Clubhouse After Hearing About Post Game Food Spread

posted Aug 5, 2009, 6:31 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Aug 5, 2009, 7:25 AM ]

Many assume that after Prince Fielder was hit with a pitch in the ninth inning of last night's contest, his attempt at entering the Dodgers' clubhouse was an act of anger. However, the reputable Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun reportorial staff was keen to pick up on the true reason for the corpulent Brewers first baseman's post game reaction.

After Fielder was blocked at the door, Dodgers outfielder Manny Ramirez apologized and said "Sorry guys, I said we had cotton candy. I told him we had a shitload of cotton candy, more than enough for us, maybe enough for two to three more people". This news came as a shock to the Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun beat reporters, but upon further questioning, the shock wore off and the truth was revealed.

When a Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun reporter asked Dodgers manager Joe Torre to comment on the clubhouse food, Torre was quick to verify Ramirez's earlier statement. "Manny's right, but it's not just cotton candy. We have chicken wings, dodgers dogs, you name it. Last week we had a whole pig".

While Torre was speaking, Fielder had returned to the now locked Dodgers clubhouse door and began begging to be let in. From outside, the Ramon Hernandez Put Down the Gun reporters believed they had heard Fielder sobbing and what sounded like gnawing on the door knob. After the incessant sobbing slowed, they could hear Fielder slowly waddling away.

The Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun reporter then walked up to Dodgers catcher Russel Martin who was eager to share what he had said to Fielder. "Oh man, it was great" said Martin, smiling from ear to ear, "Every time he was at the plate, I just read off a menu from a BBQ place in LA. You know, in a monotone voice, but with occasional words in there that didn't fit". Martin then mimicked the monotone voice for reporters. "Ribs. Brisket. Door knob. Chicken. Pork. Sausage. Hand." said Martin before bursting into laughter.

"When the ninth inning rolled around", Martin said  "I told Prince 'Here comes the beans!'  Mota then beaned him! I mean, it was an accident,  but what are the odds I say beans and Prince gets beaned! I guess he's begging to come in for some beans, hey you guys want some of this cotton candy? We got a ton of it here".

US Economy Contracts Only 1.0% In 2nd Quarter! Carlos Beltran's Knee Hurts Only Twice Shagging Fly Balls in Outfield! Hooray!

posted Aug 4, 2009, 5:46 AM by Steven Seagal

Recent news out of the NY Mets camp could make even the most skeptical and pessimistic Mets fan light up with irrepressible excitement and optimism.  This website, known as a model of restraint and even-handed reporting, cannot help but proclaim the inevitable turn around in the Mets fortunes this season, based on the following terrific news (reported on SI.com, here: http://sportsillustrated.cnn.com/2009/baseball/mlb/08/03/mets.injuries.ap/index.html:)
  • Beltran fields about 30 fly balls in the outfield, feels pain in his knee only twice!
  • Beltran runs pain free... 6 MPH... In a pool...
  • Billy Wagner throws 8 pitches in rehab assignment
  • Delgado has no timetable for his return
  • No Reyes setback reported... in this article
  • No news of the deaths of JJ Putz, John Maine, Fernando Martinez, or Fernando Nieve - so they are, presumably, still alive

If you're wondering where the first part of the headline comes from, or how it fits in, you can find that here: http://news.yahoo.com/s/afp/20090731/ts_alt_afp/useconomygrowth_20090731135934.  It seems the qualifications for "improvement" have really taken a nosedive, not just in the economic world but in the NY Mets world as well.  I guess the economy and the Mets have reached approximately equal depths of destitution.  Just be thankful we're not at Nationals' level, or we'd all be out of a job.  Except me.  I'm self employed.

 

My Apologies to Francis and Sully from South Boston, But Big Papi is Big Fucking Liar

posted Jul 31, 2009, 10:15 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 31, 2009, 10:24 AM ]

Here is David Ortiz's statement regarding the recent report that he tested positive for a performance enhancing drug during the 2003 "anonymous" survey:

"Today I was informed by a reporter that I was on the 2003 list of MLB players to test positive for performance-enhancing substances. This happened right before our game, and the news blind sided me....I have already contacted the Players Association to confirm if this report is true. I have just been told that the report is true. Based on the way I have lived my life, I am surprised to learn I tested positive."

Very interesting, David. If my memory serves me correct, According to the Mitchell Report, weren't those players that tested positive in 2003 notified in September of 2004? Yes, my memory serves me correct. Check out the Mitchell Report. It's on pages 281-283. I'll wait while you look it up. But wait, there's more!

Following the report that Alex Rodriguez was among the 104 players who tested positive in the 2003 survey, Union Czar Donald Fehr stated that the union first received test results on Nov. 11, 2003.  The results were finalized two days later and the players were notified the following day, a Friday.

That puts the timeline of David Ortiz's notification of PED use at Nov. 13, 2003, not yesterday July 30, 2009. So that's two lines of evidence, one from the Mitchell Report and the other from Union  guy  Donald Fehr, stating that if Ortiz had failed, he would have been notified shortly afterward of his positive test. Hence, Ortiz would not be "blindsided".

So unless, this is all a huge lie and David Ortiz truly never used performance enhancing drugs during the 2003 season, it looks like Red Sox Naton has a lot to ponder. Sorry Murph, looks like Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun just rocked your little world. Go Yankees!

 

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