Joey "Jaws"Chestnut pounded a record 68 hot dogs and buns at the 94th annual Nathan's Famous 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, leaving but a trail of a broken and defeated universe. Takeru Kobayashi finished second with a measely 64 hot dogs and will return to Japan a shamed man who will most likely have to pay for sex for the next 2 weeks.

Joey, on the other hand, bows to no man. He shall beckon women with drunken advances to which they will have no choice but to feed him live babies and fan his swollen, hot dog stinking body with flamingo feathers. The Mustard Yellow belt remains on United States soil for yet another year. It is a great day to be alive. It is a great day to be American. Your move, world. Until then, taste the nitrate thunder of defeat.