News‎ > ‎Miscellaneous Garbage‎ > ‎

Sports Guy Tries and Fails to Compare Celtics Game to that One Scene in The Goonies when Mouth Spits out the Jewels on One Eyed Willy's Pirate Ship

posted Mar 27, 2009, 6:55 AM by Steven Seagal
In a desperate attempt at trying to relate every sporting event to an 80s movie, ESPN writer The Sports Guy Bill Simmons failed miserably at comparing the Celtics Wednesday night loss to that one scene in the Goonies when Mouth, played by Corey Feldman, was forced to spit out the jewels he had been hiding from the Fratellis. Much to the chagrin of Bill Simmons' editor, he had written "You see Mikey believed in One Eyed Willy's rich stuff, but Mouth didn't and even said so in Mikey's attic, sort of like how my dad calls me and tell me he doesn't believe in our beloved Celtics this year. Then Mouth put the jewels in his mouth on One Eyed Willy's pirate ship, and Dwight Howard blocked a potential go ahead layup by Paul Pierce, which was like Mama Fratelli trying to abandon Sloth at the zoo. Mouth had to spit out the jewels! Mama Fratelli was holding a sword! That's just like how my beloved Celtics lost to the Magic on Wednesday". Bill Simmon's editor, who fought to no avail with Simmons over the terrible and nonsensical comparison, was just relieved in the end that Simmons didn't name drop Adam Carrolla or Jimmy Kimmell again, talk about his buddys House or J-Bug, or rank Dwight Howards block on some arbitrary scale that only Simmons finds interesting.