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Lizzie McGuire's Kung Fu Master Uncle Found Dead in Thailand

posted Jun 4, 2009, 9:32 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jun 12, 2009, 1:48 PM ]
This morning the uncle of Lizzie McGuire was found slain with two others in a Bangkok, Thailand brothel with nary a suspect in sight. Lizzie's uncle was found lying in a pool of blood, impaled by his own Hatori Hanzo blade. Early coroner reports indicate that Lizzie's uncle's heart had exploded in his chest. The surface of his chest, where his heart once resided before being blown to smithereens, was bruised in 5 distinct sections. Authorities believe he may have suffered blunt force trauma to his chest, which induced a major heart attack.
The only people who might have been suspects were Lizzie's brother/ nemesis Matt McGuire and Lizzie's friend David "Gordo" Gordon. Both Matt and Gordo were not employees of the brothel, but instead were training with Lizzie's uncle in the ways of Kung Fu. It is still assumed that Lizzie's uncle engaged in sexual activties with both Matt and Gordo as that is expected of any grown man spending time in Thailand.
Lizzie's Father, Sam McGuire AKA Lewis Skolnick, was notified of his brother's murder while attending a Lambda Lambda Lambda meeting at Adams college shortly after Bangkok authorities discovered the corpse of Lizzie's uncle. Sam McGuire, while understandably distraught, was still able to tell reporters that he believes the prime suspect should be convicted meth addict Lalaine who just recently celebrated her 22nd birthday.
Lizzie was unable to be reached for comment as she had just woken up on Saturday night and her present location could be New York, maybe Hollywood and Vine, London, Paris Maybe Tokyo, there's something going on anywhere she goes tonight, tonight, yeah tonight.
This is the last known photograph of Lizzie's uncle, her brother Matt and her friend Gordo. Shortly after this photo was taken, Lizzie's uncle probably had sex with both boys. He was in Thailand after all.