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Favored Derby Racehorse Friesan Fire Vows to not get Jerked off by an Animal Husbandry Expert Until Race is Over

posted May 2, 2009, 8:11 AM by Steven Seagal
Athletes have long sworn off the late night company of women before important matches, games and races to maintain acute focus, but this appears to be the first vow of temporary celibacy by a horse. Friesan Fire has made it clear that he will not be jerked off by animal husbandry expert Dave Wheeler. Trainer Larry Jones was eager to get Wheeler under there and just stroke Friesan Fire but the horse wouldn't have any of it. "He just starts kicking when [Wheeler] tried to grab his dick and jack him off" said Jones, "I guess he wants to remain focused until the race is over". Speculation is abound that maybe the horse just isn't into guys jerking him off but Jones scoffs at that idea. "Why would Friesan Fire want a girl to jerk him off?" Jones asked, "Girls aren't used to jerking off, they can't get a good rhythm going. Maybe if she used her mouth? No, that would never work. The girl would need a huge mouth".
With race time approaching, it is still unclear whether Friesan Fire is refusing to be jerked off by a male because he doesn't want to appear gay to other horses but race fans and animal husbandry fans alike will know the true reason after today's race when horse breeders jockey for the winner's sperm. Jones hopes everyone will be salivating for Friesan Fire's sperm since the odds have just changed. Friesan Fire is now the 5-1 favorite after the initial favorite, I Want Revenge, was diagnosed with a minor case of pink eye and was brutally, but justifiably shot in the face with a 12 gauge shotgun.