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ESPN Reports that Cheney Refuses to Stand for Barack Obama

posted Jan 20, 2009, 7:57 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:50 AM ]
CNN reported this morning that Dick Cheney has injured himself carrying boxes into his Virgina home and as a result will be wheelchair bound for today's inauguration.  Despite this seemingly valid explanation for Cheney's use of a wheelchair, ESPN has just learned this is an apparent act of brazen disrespect. According to many sources at the ESPN headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut, soon to be former vice president, Dick Cheney is telling cabinet members that he will "refuse to stand for president elect Barack Obama" because he "would rather sit in a wheelchair". Page 2 columnist Bill Simmons plans on devoting 12 podcasts to Cheney's actions. After hearing of the news Simmons said "My buddy House and I have decided that Wheelchairgate is a solid 7.754 on the vengeance scale and possibly a 4.5684248 on the unintentionally comedy scale." Another page 2 columnist, Scoop Jackson said that Cheney's motives were "purely racist" which should be taken with a grain of salt because everything that happens in the world is racist to Scoop Jackson. ESPN baseball analyst Peter Gammons opined that this "could potentially change the future market for starting pitchers with the growing popularity of the World Baseball Classic". When Peter Gammons was told that the inauguration had nothing to do with the starting pitchers, the World Baseball Classic and Baseball in general, Gammons quipped "Exactly".