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Cleaning out the Mailbox

posted Dec 9, 2008, 8:36 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:41 PM ]
Everyday, the Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun mailbox is filled to capacity with emails ranging from promises of fellatio to promises of legal action. Usually we're private about these emails but I have to remind myself that some birds aren't meant to be caged. Their feathers are just too bright. And some birds are retarded and deserve to mocked in a public forum.
For example here are a few emails we received a couple of days ago.

"My sons, I commend you on the progress you have made. On the 7th day I had rested and admired all the beauty and magnificence that is my splendor. But on the 8th day, I created YOU. And that my sons was my single greatest creation. By creating you, I have bestowed upon the world the greatest gift. One gift that will shine a guiding light on humanity for eons."- God

Wait a second, you pompous prick. We see what you're doing. You're a sneaky sonuvabitch, fishing for some gratitude like that. Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun is not Kurt Warner. We will not suck you off every time we do something awesome, which is all the time. And anyway, it's obvious that Brandon Jacobs is the Creator of the Universe. We answer only to Him. Here is the only gratitude we'll give you.

You guys are doing some amazing things with this site!!! Quit your jobs now and make this big-time. What can I do to help??- Dr. Foxyrotten

You want to help? It's easy. All you have to do is renounce your allegiance to the Philadelphia Eagles. And buy us a shitload of beer. And prostitutes. Russian prostitutes. Ones with all their teeth and without dicks. Your move, Dr. Foxyrotten.

Why are you guys always picking on my boyfriend? Oh my gah, he is so the quarterbacker for the America's team. Do you guys not love America?-Jessica Simpson

No, we love America, Jessica. We hate your boyfriend because he's a fucktard and should eat a box of thumbtacks. What makes us American is the fact that we can wish death upon someone because we hate his jerkoff team, his jerkoff face and the jerkoff girl he's screwing. That alone makes us great Americans. By the way, continue going to his games. It's obviously working wonders on his fragile psyche. Also, you're a whore and we all know your dad molested you when you were a kid.

Hey fellas, keep up the good work. If the rest of the world recognized My dominance the way you do, I would definitely control the planet's nuclear arsenal. And then I'd fulfill your dream of blowing up the fucking moon. Every time I eat a baby, I think of you. And I eat A SHITLOAD of babies.- Justin Tuck, Destroyer of Worlds.

You just keep on being you, Master Detroyer. This is all for you. Nothing makes us happier than knowing you have every nuclear weapon at your disposal. By the way, I hope you don't mind that we used a photo of you flipping the bird towards God.