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Bea Arthur Found Dead in LA Home in Apparent Murder Suicide

posted Apr 25, 2009, 2:28 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Apr 27, 2009, 6:09 AM ]
Bea Arthur, best known for her role as a sarcastic old woman in The Golden Girls and for her attractive feet, was found dead in her home on Saturday surrounded by the mutilated corpses of multiple family members.  Authorities have confirmed that Arthur attacked her family members with her bare hands, "literally tearing them apart," before breaking her own neck and collapsing on a pile of entrails and gore.  The number of victims is still unclear at this time, because "it is impossible to discern which body parts correspond to each victim," according to authorities, who been able to confirm only that there were "at least 6."  The victims' relationship to Arthur also remains unclear at this time, but it has been confirmed that they were all blood related and were visiting Arthur, who has been fighting a losing battle with cancer, at her home in LA.  A neighbor reported hearing blood-curdling screams, some of which were clearly identifiable as Arthur's gruff voice.  "I distinctly heard Bea growl, "I'm taking all of you with me!" before I heard the most high pitched, desperate screams if have ever heard in my entire life." 

Crime scene investigators arrived to find "the most gruesome sight [they] have ever seen."  "The walls were literally covered in the blood and gore of her victims, who had obviously come to cheer her up.  Some of them were small children, but it was almost impossible to tell.  In fact, we don't even know how many victims there were.  Mylar balloons with corny "get well" slogans were caked with blood and, somehow, bone marrow.  I can say with absolute certainty that I will never sleep again," said one investigator from the LA Coroner's office, who requested anonymity for obvious reasons.  "I definitely could not compare it to anything in real life - because these things just don't happen - but think "Texas Chainsaw Massacre," except Leatherface is your grandmother and she does with her bare hands what he needs a chainsaw to do," he said before collapsing into violent, noiseless sobs.