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The End of an Era...

posted Jan 26, 2010, 2:39 AM by Steven Seagal

There goes my favorite piss spot. 

There Is Something Vaguely Familiar About This Whole Erin Andrews Peephole Incident

posted Jul 19, 2009, 7:34 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 19, 2009, 10:33 AM ]

(For those of you who don't know the story, here is the synopsis: Erin Andrews spent the night in a hotel. Some guy videotaped her getting dressed and/or undressed through the hotel door peephole. Erin Andrews enlisted a tough-as-nails lawyer, probably Harvey Lawyerjewstein or someone like that, to put the videotaping pervert in a Turkish prison, shut down the hotel forever, and inevitably leak the tape anyway. Here is the Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun opinion on the matter.)

So where did I see this reverse peephole trick before? Oh right, Kramer did that to his own apartment. No offense to Erin Andrews and her female parts, which I'm sure are all present and accounted for, but wouldn't we all rather watch Kramer's shenanigans through a peephole? I know I would.

Again, no offense to Erin Andrews and her female parts, which I hear are smooth and soft, but why doesn't she check the peephole in every hotel room or apartment like me, Steven Seagal? I do it because of ninjas.I can't forget the ninjas. Ever.

I must reiterate, no offense to Erin Andrews and her sweet sweet female parts, which I hear smell of the finest Egyptian jasmine and taste of rich honey, but shouldn't she be on the lookout for creepsters trying to photograph her while she's most vulnerable? After all, she is Erin Andrews, an attractive woman on ESPN, frequently put to work at sporting events where alcohol is enthusiastically imbibed by heterosexual males.

I apologize for being repetitive so bear with me here. No offense to Erin Andrews and her female parts, of which the peephole incident photographs and video can be purchased for a healthy and worthy fee of twenty five American dollars from this site*, but what kind of sleazy hotel is ESPN putting the beautiful, talented and ultimately respected Erin Andrews in while she's working? Shame on you ESPN. I would expect such treatment from this site, especially when our network television channel Murder Boner TV airs next fall, but not ESPN. For Shame!

*Fuck you. This isn't a pornography site.

This Is Not A Pornography Site No Matter What Your Parents, Friends, Therapists and Coworkers Say

posted Jul 16, 2009, 8:20 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 16, 2009, 9:56 AM ]

(This post was written due to the fact that a reader, who we promised we would not identify by name, pointed out that this site was blocked at his place of work with the tag "Pornography". We are not the type to tell you what to do but please read this post and hopefully you will not fall into the vicious habit of mistaking this site for one which provides people having sexual intercourse on film)
Okay, think about it, friends. How often do you check this website and oggle it's majestic brilliance? Seven, maybe eight times an hour? And how often does the average Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun reader masturbate in a given day? Roughly 5 times if there are no sports, Quantum Leap episodes or WWE movies on television.
Fortunately, or unfortunately depending on whether you view incessant masturbation as a problem, Quantum Leap has been removed from it's regularly scheduled lineup on ION, the All Star Break provided little in the way of actual baseball and the Marine hasn't been shown on FX in quite some time. This means that Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun readers can give themselves some self-inflicted action while the dog days of summer grind away at their patience and self control. But please for the love of Jacobs, do not use this site to get your rocks off, we beg you.
Just because you masturbate more than a palsy on coke, doesn't mean you can masturbate to any freaking thing you want. Masturbation and this website are fun little hobbies to enjoy but they are mutually exclusive. For those of you who do give yourself jerkoff-jobs, you are sick, sick, sick. Can't you find another way to fill the void that is your life? Visit a foreign country, killl a prostitute, do anything! Just don't associate this website with your perversions.
The blocking of this site by Dr. Foxyrotten's employer (McDonalds) saddens us to no end. Upon hearing the news, we simply shrugged our shoulders and drank 39 delicious and refreshing MGDs!  We then reminded Fox that just because some sick fucks out there go all jack handy on themselves to this site, doesn't mean he has to do the same. We have yet to hear from him and many of our readers since that declaration. All of you better not let us down.
Look on the bright side. Baseball starts back up again tonight, Quantum Leap episodes are available on DVD, The Marine will be back on FX soon and in the near future football will begin to wreak havoc on your personal lives. Keep that in your duffle bag, motherfuckers.

We Run This Shit

posted Jul 10, 2009, 8:34 AM by Steven Seagal

Take That Planet Earth, Mars, Pluto, Glogrons of Nebula 14, Universe and God, You Are No Match Against America's Hot Dog Eating Skills

posted Jul 4, 2009, 8:39 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jul 4, 2009, 8:45 PM ]

Joey "Jaws"Chestnut pounded a record 68 hot dogs and buns at the 94th annual Nathan's Famous 4th of July Hot Dog Eating Contest, leaving but a trail of a broken and defeated universe. Takeru Kobayashi finished second with a measely 64 hot dogs and will return to Japan a shamed man who will most likely have to pay for sex for the next 2 weeks.

Joey, on the other hand, bows to no man. He shall beckon women with drunken advances to which they will have no choice but to feed him live babies and fan his swollen, hot dog stinking body with flamingo feathers. The Mustard Yellow belt remains on United States soil for yet another year. It is a great day to be alive. It is a great day to be American. Your move, world. Until then, taste the nitrate thunder of defeat.

Yes, That's Blood

posted Jun 14, 2009, 7:57 AM by Steven Seagal

We here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench have constantly reminded you of how private we are by posting rare glimpes of what keeps this site motoring along each day. This is one of those posts.
The above photo is indeed blood. It is said to belong to my other personality, although I would be hard pressed to actually believe that it all belongs to him. He has a certain, how shall I phrase this gently without framing him in a negative light. He has a passing interest in bringing home Russian prostitutes, murdering them pre or post coitus and drinking their blood. He's often drunk too so the blood tends to spill. Maybe he's being truthful and all of that blood belongs to him. My other personality's history proves otherwise.
I would be lying if I said I wasn't angry with my other personality for this. He never shares what he kills . He's always saying "You keep what you kill, It's the necromonger way".

Lizzie McGuire's Kung Fu Master Uncle Found Dead in Thailand

posted Jun 4, 2009, 9:32 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jun 12, 2009, 1:48 PM ]

This morning the uncle of Lizzie McGuire was found slain with two others in a Bangkok, Thailand brothel with nary a suspect in sight. Lizzie's uncle was found lying in a pool of blood, impaled by his own Hatori Hanzo blade. Early coroner reports indicate that Lizzie's uncle's heart had exploded in his chest. The surface of his chest, where his heart once resided before being blown to smithereens, was bruised in 5 distinct sections. Authorities believe he may have suffered blunt force trauma to his chest, which induced a major heart attack.
The only people who might have been suspects were Lizzie's brother/ nemesis Matt McGuire and Lizzie's friend David "Gordo" Gordon. Both Matt and Gordo were not employees of the brothel, but instead were training with Lizzie's uncle in the ways of Kung Fu. It is still assumed that Lizzie's uncle engaged in sexual activties with both Matt and Gordo as that is expected of any grown man spending time in Thailand.
Lizzie's Father, Sam McGuire AKA Lewis Skolnick, was notified of his brother's murder while attending a Lambda Lambda Lambda meeting at Adams college shortly after Bangkok authorities discovered the corpse of Lizzie's uncle. Sam McGuire, while understandably distraught, was still able to tell reporters that he believes the prime suspect should be convicted meth addict Lalaine who just recently celebrated her 22nd birthday.
Lizzie was unable to be reached for comment as she had just woken up on Saturday night and her present location could be New York, maybe Hollywood and Vine, London, Paris Maybe Tokyo, there's something going on anywhere she goes tonight, tonight, yeah tonight.
This is the last known photograph of Lizzie's uncle, her brother Matt and her friend Gordo. Shortly after this photo was taken, Lizzie's uncle probably had sex with both boys. He was in Thailand after all.

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

posted Jun 1, 2009, 8:04 AM by Steven Seagal

I imagine most people mindlessly scan their bookmarked websites to fill the tedious voids in the day. One of my bookmarked pages is ESPN. Lately, it's become quite clear to me that a monkey, as opposed to the action movie star here, is the site administrator.
I would never let this be put up on my website. Never in a bazillion years.

Here is the definition of Acronym via Merriam Webster.

ACRONYM: a word (as NATO, radar, or laser) formed from the initial letter or letters of each of the successive parts or major parts of a compound term.

Really ZanierRules? You really think Sidney Crosby is an acronym for invisible? If you're going to post a comment, post something funny or at least blatantly racist. Also, make sure the comment makes sense, you fuckwad. For that, ZanierRules deserves a swift kick in the face on a Saturday night with a steel toe grip kodiak work boot and a trip to the hospital bloodied and bashed. I expect this from a kid who is dumb enough to put his full name and birthday on the ESPN SportNation profile.

You see, people, this is why we don't have commenter privileges on each and every story. We'd be inundated with ZanierRules' wisdom or someone named Morty quoting Ghostbusters 2.

Actually if we did have commenter capabilities on each story, I'd probably delete the serious and unfunny comments. Or I'd probably just alter them to make the commenter sound racist. That's right. Don't mess with Steven Seagal.

In Memoriam: Chris Benoit

posted May 21, 2009, 11:41 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated May 21, 2009, 11:52 AM ]

Happy Birthday to Chris Benoit in heaven. Yes, that Chris Benoit.  He was born on this date in 1967 and made a name for himself in the professional wrestling world as "The Crippler". In death, he made a name for himself as "The Murderer". All Ramon Hernandez Put Down the Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher And We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench can say is I hope Chris is in a flowing white robe on pain killers. I hope he's giving his wife a diving headbutt from the top rope of heaven's wrestling ring. I hope he has his son in the crippler crossface only this time his son taps out in time. Or He doesn't give him a chance to tap out, again.  I hope he's pretending Jesus is retarded and he's giving the J-man three German suplexes in a row. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand. I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

The kid's expression on the left says it all.
He knows what's coming for him.

A Glimpse Into Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun North Manhattan Office

posted May 17, 2009, 10:34 AM by Steven Seagal

We here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Because We Pinch Hit For Our Catcher and We Don't Have Any Position Players Left On The Bench are notoriously private in our personal lives, but occasionally we like to provide our loyal readership with some glimpses into what goes on behind the scenes.  With this in mind, we have decided to post a photograph of the South Wing of our Northern Manhattan Office.  We hope you enjoy it...

This is where some of the magic happens.

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