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Steven Seagal in Serious Consideration of Becoming A Volunteers Fan

posted May 7, 2009, 10:52 AM by Steven Seagal
New Tennessee Volunteers football coach Lane Kiffin is endearing himself to Steven Seagal with his recent recruitment of 19 year old DE/TE Daniel Hood. At 6-foot-5 and 255 lbs, Hood helped Knoxville Catholic High School win it's first state championship and was named the 2008 Class 3A Mr. Football. Now Steven Seagal has no idea what a high school is since he only attended dojos in his youth. Nor does Steven know what garners a player the title of Class 3A Mr. Football. What Steven does know is that in 2003, Daniel Hood was found guilty of  helping rape a relative by a juvenile court.

Now this is wrong on so many levels but Steven Seagal sees a bright future for Daniel Hood. First, Steven Seagal realized that aiding in rape isn't nearly as respectable as rape itself but Hood was merely 13 at the time. Steven Seagal knows that all brave men, and some women, cannot be expected to start out on the path to righteous rape as early as Steven himself. Some people just need more time to find their calling. At least he was in the right frame of mind to help, says Steven Seagal. Let's just call this practice since Hood did help out in raping his relative.

Second, why wasn't he named Class 3A Mr. Football in 2003 at the time of his conviction. Steven Seagal sees the conviction, not in a negative light, but as a commendation from the public courts. Steven Seagal wonders if it is at all possible that the so-called "high school" award young Daniel Hood a retroactive Class 3A Mr. Football award for his work in 2003.

Finally, with Lane Kiffin's courageous recruitment of young Daniel Hood, does Steven Seagal find himself on the path of following the Tennessee Volunteers football program in the 2009 season? Steven Seagal believes you already know the answer to that question. It would be a crime punishable by death, followed by rape, to even consider the notion of Steven Seagal NOT following the Volunteers this year. Steven is elated with young Daniel's penchant for the finer things in life and wishes him the best. Also it would bring Steven Seagal much joy to see Daniel carry the tradition of rape onto the field against a certain Florida Gators quarterback Steven loves to hate, but hates to love.

Steven has high hopes for this Volunteers team. After this stellar yet questionable (Editor's note: by society's norms) recruiting job by Kiffin, anything is possible. It should have been expected though. After all, Kiffin actually took a job as the head coach of the Oakland Raiders and anyone who would dare take that position must be completely insane. Steven Seagal is toys in the attic, bars on the windows crazy, but not that crazy.