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Peter Carroll, You're such a Rascal!

posted Dec 6, 2008, 6:01 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:45 PM ]
This game exemplifies why I love college football. Rivalries exist in other sports but schools take their rivalries to the goofiest levels. For example, did you know that after Alabama beat LSU, an Alabama fan MURDERED two LSU fans? I figured it would be the other way around but those crazy southerners do everything ass backwards.For the UCLA-USC game, Pete Carroll is having the Trojans wear their home jerseys even though they're away. This seemingly meager tactic has two benefits.
First and foremost, according to the NCAA rulebook, such an act will cost the Trojans a single timeout. With a blowout win, Carroll is hoping this handicap will increase the Trojans BCS stock in hopes that the nations number one defense sneaks into the national championship. Will it work? Probably not. Everyone is too busy fellating the Big 12 and SEC to give a fuck.
The second benefit to this tactic is my favorite and that's the rivalry aspect. At the beginning of the season, Rick Neuheisel put this ad in the LA times and the LA Daily News to build up excitement for the UCLA football program. Could the Trojans, the darlings of southern California, be a little miffed at such a gesture? I think so. Let's face it, if ever there was a program that could be labeled a prima donna, it's USC. They're so Hollywood, it makes me want to vomit. Will Ferrell is at all the important games humping Pete Carroll's leg. Random other A, B and C list celebrities can also be spotted on the sidelines pretending to know what's going on during the game. In light of this, of course USC is using this timeout handicap to slap UCLA across the face. I love it. I hope this game comes down to time management. It won't though. USC is going to pour acid rain on UCLA.
This whole situation gives me a deeper appreciation for Pete Carroll though. He knows it's just football and he wants to have some fun with it. He took up the offer to jumpstart this rivalry.  But really, I always liked the guy. He always seemed like he was jacked up on Bolivian marching powder. Can't you picture him blowing Tony Montana sized lines off a USC song girl's tramp stamp? I can. I bet he loves high end prostitutes too, but not just one at a time. He probably strolls around Rodeo drive with three scantily clad ladies on his arms much like Bruce Wayne does in Batman Begins. This is why Rick Neuheisel should start watching gametape of Pete Carroll galavanting around town. The rivalry needs to grow and it has to start with the coaches. Why do you think the LSU-Alamabama rivalry is so big now?  So if you want the football monopoly to end, Rick, you need to start acting like Pete Carroll or maybe an evil Pete Carroll, sort of like a Mario/Wario shtick. And also, wear sunglasses. All the time. People always look cooler wearing sunglasses.

Who are you pointing at Ricky?
Oh, your 4-7 record. Okay, That's cool, I guess.