Since January 9th, just after midnight, my life had been in shambles. Lucifer had taken over my once humble and sin-free soul. I had been drunk on the devil's elixir, known to common folk as alcohol, for almost 96 hours. I was having "relations" with "working women" in the most impersonal of positions, with the lights on for the dearly departed to see from the heavens. Drugs had been a commonplace fixture in my life since that fateful night. Satan's breath had passed through lungs. Satan's saliva had coursed through my forearm veins. Satan's willpower proved mine nonexistent.
Today I am once again saved. Jesus died for all of our sins but still, I had fallen by the wayside. I needed guidance. I needed a true savior since Jesus failed me. You may ask, what am I speaking of? I'll tell you because this news is sure to change your life. Tim Tebow is returning to change lives for yet another year at Florida. Just hearing that news has made me a better person. Tebow has won the Heisman with ease. He has two national championships. He has rid the Asian world of foreskin. What else can he do?
UGGGHHHHHHH. Fuck. Ass. Shit. Mother. Hamburgers.
Get ready for another year of Tebow, America. It's a lot of work and terribly painful to write about how great Tebow is as a player and especially disturbing to write about his superiority as a person. I'm not sure if everyone can handle the similar style fawning I have just vomited out for another year. I thought we reached our Tebow plateau when Thom Brenneman said "If you're fortunate to spend 5 or 20 minutes around Tim Tebow, you're better for it." Yeah. that and everything else written about the jerkoff has made us all feel like gutter scum. He's reached Favre like levels and he's not in the NFL yet. Hopefully the scouts are right about his potential in the NFL. I want that now. Can't he just enter the draft, get selected by Kansas City and drift into Herm Edwards inflicted obscurity?