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Fiesta Bowl Preview

posted Jan 5, 2009, 9:59 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:16 PM ]

Some notes on tonight's Fiesta Bowl Matchup between THE Ohio State University and THE University of Texas.

First before I get down to business I would like to say that this first point is not only directed at OSU or Texas players, but at all players who insist on emphasizing the article "The" before naming their school, which they most likely didn't graduate from or at least attend normal college level classes. I think it started with Miami players calling their school "The U" which sort of worked because they were a bunch of thugs who ended up beating their girlfriends, snorting coke off of hookers' unconcious bodies and carrying around semiautomatic weapons. There should be an NCAA rule limiting the number of players who can give their school a nickname or alter the way it is said. I call it NCAA rule 579: The U oughta know rule. It states:
The only players who can emphasize an article, whether it be definite, indefinite or partitive, and/or beneficially alter the name of their school, are those players who have smacked a ho, carried a piece, got lifted and /or any act deemed illegal by the NCAA rules committee but above all deemed illegal by the United States constitution.

I'm glad that's settled. Now onto the football game.

Just yesterday Texas head coach Mack Brown related a story that former coach Darrel K. Royal told him about anxiety before a big game. Apparently Royal said that he would gag a little before a big game. Yesterday, Mack Brown admitted that "I gagged this morning. So I think I'm fine". Um, sorry Mack, you have to keep those things to yourself. Do you think Andy Reid admitted that he plowed through 47 Pat's cheesesteaks and a 30 gallon drum of pork rinds before the Superbowl because he was nervous? Do you think Joe Paterno admitted that he shit his pants and shook it out of his pant leg before the Rose Bowl last week? Both coaches did those things and both lost those games. Maybe he's being honest but I hope that was ploy to get OSU players overly confident for the imminent beat down they're about to receive.
Texas' director of player development Ken Rucker told players this past week that if they came back to their hotel smelling like alcohol "he would kiss them". It goes without saying that after hearing of this every male student attending NYU petitioned to start a football program and to immediately hire Ken Rucker.
Pay special attention to the Longhorns' defense, especially DE Brian Orakpo. If the Heisman committee didn't love running backs and quarterbacks so much, he would have been invited to New York. Orakpo won the Nagurski award for best defensive player, the Lombardi award as top lineman and the Hendricks award for best defensive end. He was also named the Big 12 Defensive player of the year after finishing 12 games with 38 tackles, 16 1/2 tackles for loss, 27 quarterback pressures and 10 1/2 sacks. It will be very interesting to see what OSU head coach Jim Tressel does with his speedy black quarterback Terrell Pryor and his white immobile quarterback Todd Boeckman. I'm sort of hoping for Tressel to utilize tandem QBs to see how Texas handles the approach.
At the beginning of the season, Chris "Beanie" wells couldn't even keep his pants on because people were fellating him 25 hours a day. Then he got injured and everyone shifted their attention towards to Colt McCoy, the Sooner Savage, and their own Tebowners. Now Beanie is wrapping up his junior year and plans on entering the draft. I say fuck Beanie. Who cares? He had a pedestrian season and a stupid nickname. Instead focus your attention on LB James Laurinaitis. The 3 time AP All American, former Nagurski and Butkus award winner won his first Lott trophy this year. He's a senior so you know he wants to increase his draft stock by demolishing Colt McCoy's attempts at creating big plays with his legs. Laurinaitis finished this season with 46 solo tackles, 76 assisted tackles, 4 sacks and 2 interceptions. He's sort of fallen under the radar because people are sick of OSU after two consecutive BCS national championship losses, which is stupid. There is one other thing you should know about Laurinaitis. His father was a professional wrestler by the name of "Animal" of the tag team, the Legion of Doom. I don't know what that has to do with anything, but fuck all, it's worth mentioning.
In light of this "stimulating" and "resourceful" information on tonight's game, I will put aside all biases and pick who will win. So after much deliberation, I see Texas tearing apart Ohio State because I hate Ohio State. So much for putting aside biases.