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Big Ass Bowl Preview: Life Alert, The Yeti and a Black Dude Calls me Dick.

posted Dec 10, 2008, 10:32 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:38 PM ]

I will only preview those games that are relevant. For example I will not preview the Independence Bowl unless there is an added stipulation that the Louisiana Tech cheerleaders perform their routines naked. And also, the cheerleaders are all smokin' hot females and the routines involve cool whip, Jack Daniels and no shame. Because really, who would want to watch Louisiana Tech and Northern Illinois play any game, much less a game against each other? And another thing, why can't we watch Texas-Alabama and Utah-Ohio State? Fuck it, I'm not going to bother complaining about that. Here are some previews, fuckers.

Gaylords Hotels Music City Bowl (Dec. 31 3:30 EST)
How fitting is it that the Gaylords Bowl has Vanderbilt pitted against Boston College? I hate both of these schools. I hate everyone that ever attended these schools. I hate everyone that plans to attend these schools. Hell, I hate everyone who applied to these schools.  Look at some notable (unnotable?) alumni from both schools: Joseph McShane, Jay Cutler, Skip Bayless, Matt "Matty Ice" Ryan, Amy Grant, Tipper Gore and Mike Lupica. Let's hope this game turns into a defensive slug fest and everyone, including the fans, ends up dead.

Rose Bowl (Jan. 1 4:30 pm EST)
I like this match-up. We got USC against Penn State. Pete Carroll on one sideline ripping lines of coke and Joe Paterno on the other sideline shitting his pants wearing Life Alert. ( ) The USC defense has only allowed 11 touchdowns this year and allows an average of 7.8 pts per game. That's orgasmically good. I think I have to change my pants. Nah, fuck it, I'll leave em on. What's great about this match-up is that Penn State also boasts a stout defense, allowing an average of 12.4 pts per game. Who says teams don't play defense in college football? I'll be drunk for this one.

Chick-Fil-A Bowl (Dec. 31 7:30 pm EST)
LSU versus Georgia Tech. Will any more LSU fans get murdered after they lose to Georgia Tech? I'm not a praying man, but please Brandon Jacobs, make this happen. I also like this game because during every fucking SEC game, there are about 4500 Chick-Fil-A commercials. People tell me that Chick-Fil-A exists but I have my doubts. Much like Sonic and Long John Silvers, The Chick-Fil-A food chain remains a cryptozoological mystery. Yes, I made that analogy. Chick-Fil-A is my personal Yeti.

BCS National Championship (Jan. 8 8pm EST)
Yeah, we get it, Texas should be there. Oklahoma lost to Texas. Blah blah blah. Who gives a fuck at this point? This is a fantastic match-up. I know Oklahoma stopped playing defense a few weeks ago but their offense makes up for any defensive shortcomings. What's the over/under on how many times Bradford will throw the ball? 75? 90? Also pay attention to Juaquin Iglesias. That guy has big balls. Not as big mine though. My balls are HUGE.  Now Florida lost to Ole Miss and then systematically raped everyone in their way. They handled Alabama without their marquee WR/RB Percy Harvin. By the way, I know a black dude at work named Percy and he called me a dick one day. I deserved it and that's why I see Florida winning this game. I hope Tim Tebow loses the Heisman to Bradford this Saturday and Tim Tebow turns into Vince Young a la the 2006 Rose Bowl. He'll be exacting revenge for Texas and the Heisman. Tim Tebow is a great player but I want him to be an EVIL player.