News‎ > ‎

College Football

Steven Seagal in Serious Consideration of Becoming A Volunteers Fan

posted May 7, 2009, 10:52 AM by Steven Seagal

New Tennessee Volunteers football coach Lane Kiffin is endearing himself to Steven Seagal with his recent recruitment of 19 year old DE/TE Daniel Hood. At 6-foot-5 and 255 lbs, Hood helped Knoxville Catholic High School win it's first state championship and was named the 2008 Class 3A Mr. Football. Now Steven Seagal has no idea what a high school is since he only attended dojos in his youth. Nor does Steven know what garners a player the title of Class 3A Mr. Football. What Steven does know is that in 2003, Daniel Hood was found guilty of  helping rape a relative by a juvenile court.

Now this is wrong on so many levels but Steven Seagal sees a bright future for Daniel Hood. First, Steven Seagal realized that aiding in rape isn't nearly as respectable as rape itself but Hood was merely 13 at the time. Steven Seagal knows that all brave men, and some women, cannot be expected to start out on the path to righteous rape as early as Steven himself. Some people just need more time to find their calling. At least he was in the right frame of mind to help, says Steven Seagal. Let's just call this practice since Hood did help out in raping his relative.

Second, why wasn't he named Class 3A Mr. Football in 2003 at the time of his conviction. Steven Seagal sees the conviction, not in a negative light, but as a commendation from the public courts. Steven Seagal wonders if it is at all possible that the so-called "high school" award young Daniel Hood a retroactive Class 3A Mr. Football award for his work in 2003.

Finally, with Lane Kiffin's courageous recruitment of young Daniel Hood, does Steven Seagal find himself on the path of following the Tennessee Volunteers football program in the 2009 season? Steven Seagal believes you already know the answer to that question. It would be a crime punishable by death, followed by rape, to even consider the notion of Steven Seagal NOT following the Volunteers this year. Steven is elated with young Daniel's penchant for the finer things in life and wishes him the best. Also it would bring Steven Seagal much joy to see Daniel carry the tradition of rape onto the field against a certain Florida Gators quarterback Steven loves to hate, but hates to love.

Steven has high hopes for this Volunteers team. After this stellar yet questionable (Editor's note: by society's norms) recruiting job by Kiffin, anything is possible. It should have been expected though. After all, Kiffin actually took a job as the head coach of the Oakland Raiders and anyone who would dare take that position must be completely insane. Steven Seagal is toys in the attic, bars on the windows crazy, but not that crazy.

Mountain West Conferences Proposes 8 Team Playoff to BCS

posted Mar 4, 2009, 1:24 PM by Steven Seagal

At a recent BCS meeting, the final item on the agenda at first appeared to be a bit of fan mail until the item was finally recognized as an alternative to the present bowl system. Apparently, according to Pac-10 Tom Hansen, "something called the MWC or some shit proposed an 8 team playoff system. They kept mentioning a Ute or Utes being no. 2 or something, we quickly brushed it off. We really didn't think it would be a big deal". The Mountain West Conference is not a member of the BCS. The BCS gives automatic bowl bids to it's current members who include the Pac-10, Big 12, Big 10, Big East, ACC and SEC. SEC commissioner Michael Slive initially laughed it saying "I thought MWC was, like cage fighting or some shit, you know like WEC or IFC or UFC, you know, one of those wrestling things. Then I thought it was that crazy Japanese show MXC and got really excited. That show is great, especially when they get creamed by the boulders". The 8 team playoff system, proposed by MWC commissioner Craig Thompson hopes that the BCS adopts the new system, which would provide greater access to teams outside the 6 conferences already included in the BCS. Members of the BCS laughed it off again when media members and strong dissenters of the present bowl game system argued for the validity of a 8 team playoff in college football. In one final statement that seems to sum up the BCS's feelings on fan opinion, media approval and overall regard for anyone other than themselves, the BCS wrote a note to the media that simply said "Fuck You".
The Utah Utes finished no. 2 in the BCS standings following their defeat of the heavily favored SEC Alabama in the Sugar Bowl.

Pete Carroll Not Handling Sanchez Departure Too Well

posted Jan 16, 2009, 8:17 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 11:56 AM ]

Coaches of elite college football programs are equally proud and sad to see their quarterbacks leave the nest for greener pastures in the NFL. Some quarterbacks leave too early while other stick around too late only to damage their draft stock. USC coach Pete Carroll sees the departure of quarterback Mark Sanchez on a completely different level than most coaches and quarterbacks are willing to comfortably discuss.
During yesterday's press conference, Sanchez was all smiles as he announced his decision to enter the NFL draft, one in which he will most likely be a first round pick by teams desperate for a quarterback. Pete Carroll on the other hand could be best described as despondent. Carroll sat beside a standing Sanchez with his hands covering his watery eyes. His lips quivered as Sanchez said the words "leaving USC", but matters only became worse as Sanchez continued. When Sanchez told the media "USC was a great chapter in my life that I will cherish forever, but I must move on to the next chapter of my life", Carroll put his head down on the table and slammed his right fist down only to scream what media members believe was "Why Mark? Why? Please Don't Leave Me!". Following this outburst, Carroll screamed something else but there is much speculation on what he appears to have said. LA Daily News sports correspondent Scott Wolf believes Carroll screamed "I love you, I fucking love you", but wasn't willing to bet on it. Wolf continued "He does this every time one of his handsome quarterbacks leave him, but he's got an assembly line of strapping young lads in waiting. Pete will be fine."
Since Carroll couldn't be reached for comment immediately following the press conference, we caught up with him at his Pasadena home. Carroll's wife led us to Pete's bedroom where we found him sitting in a bean bag chair clutching a no. 6 USC jersey in his arms, sobbing uncontrollably listening to "Everybody hurts" by REM, reminiscent of the 90210 episode where Dylan breaks up with Brenda. After witnessing this equally depressing and disturbing sight, we decided to just leave him alone to sort through this on his own.

More of This Stuff for Another Year

posted Jan 12, 2009, 12:49 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:08 PM ]

Since January 9th, just after midnight, my life had been in shambles. Lucifer had taken over my once humble and sin-free soul. I had been drunk on the devil's elixir, known to common folk as alcohol, for almost 96 hours. I was having "relations" with "working women" in the most impersonal of positions, with the lights on for the dearly departed to see from the heavens. Drugs had been a commonplace fixture in my life since that fateful night. Satan's breath had passed through lungs. Satan's saliva had coursed through my forearm veins. Satan's willpower proved mine nonexistent.
Today I am once again saved. Jesus died for all of our sins but still, I had fallen by the wayside. I needed guidance. I needed a true savior since Jesus failed me. You may ask, what am I speaking of? I'll tell you because this news is sure to change your life. Tim Tebow is returning to change lives for yet another year at Florida. Just hearing that news has made me a better person. Tebow has won the Heisman with ease. He has two national championships. He has rid the Asian world of foreskin. What else can he do?

UGGGHHHHHHH. Fuck. Ass. Shit. Mother. Hamburgers.

Get ready for another year of Tebow, America. It's a lot of work and terribly painful to write about how great Tebow is as a player and especially disturbing to write about his superiority as a person. I'm not sure if everyone can handle the similar style fawning I have just vomited out for another year. I thought we reached our Tebow plateau when Thom Brenneman said "If you're fortunate to spend 5 or 20 minutes around Tim Tebow, you're better for it." Yeah. that and everything else written about the jerkoff has made us all feel like gutter scum.  He's reached Favre like levels and he's not in the NFL yet. Hopefully the scouts are right about his potential in the NFL. I want that now. Can't he just enter the draft, get selected by Kansas City and drift into Herm Edwards inflicted obscurity?

Barry Obama is a Quitter

posted Jan 9, 2009, 10:54 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:09 PM ]

After the initial Barry Obama interview on 60 minutes where there was brief mention of "throwing some weight around" about a playoff system in college football, I immediately insulted the guy for not focusing on, you know, more pressing matters. That was immature of me because that was a mere 15 seconds of the supposedly 60 minute interview (Fucking commercials). Instead Barry and his wife had to talk about what kind of dog they were getting or some shit. I don't know. I didn't watch it either.
Now after Utah STOMPS Alabama going 13-0, USC dismantles Penn State, and Texas fans scream shenanigans (even though they would have lost to Florida too), Obama backpedals and says "you know, I've got to pick and choose my battles. I probably am going to be spending more time focusing on creating three million more jobs." LAME.  What kind of president did we elect? Next, creating three million jobs will be too difficult so he'll backpedal on that. Maybe Barry can tackle something a little easier, maybe something of substance like putting more Wendy's around my apartment. Maybe Barry can delegate the responsibility to ESPN in fixing college football, after all, he is "busy" doing other things like "creating three million jobs" or some shit.
I bet ESPN could create three million jobs, create a fair playoff system and build a Wendy's INSIDE my building. Sure ESPN loves jumping on bandwagons in college football (BIg 10 to SEC to BIg 12 and now SEC again), NFL (Brett Favre, Brett Favre, Brett Favre) and MLB (Yankees, Red Sox, Yankees Red Sox), but maybe they can actually do something of substance unlike some people, BARRY. I suppose it's now a good thing that ESPN outbid planet Earth for all the bowl games until the year 2490. I never thought I'd say that but with ESPN it's possible to fix this shit. Sure ESPN would give every college football fan something new to bitch about eventually, but I'm talking baby steps. I don't know how they'll do it because I'm not smart but I have faith in that evil soul sucking corporation. Fuck it, I'm getting ahead of myself. We still need ESPN to acknowledge the existence of the NHL.

Oklahoma Will Win The National Championship Because.....

posted Jan 8, 2009, 1:38 PM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:10 PM ]

Our God is an awesome God and rains lava on the Tebow army and everything he touches, including newly circumcised Asian children. I hope Bob Stoops was taking notes while watching the Ohio State-Texas game. If you have a quarterback who creates plays with his legs when the original play falls to shit, then put ENORMOUS amounts of pressure on him. Sack him with a spiked bat, take some roughing the passer penalties, EARLY I mind you. Ohio State didn't get the memo and kept beating Colt McCoy and it ended up losing the game for them. If Oklahoma throws some all out blitzes or safety blitzes at Tebow, he'll be forced to throw the ball more often AND it'll also put a stop to this novel Florida idea of "running the ball" with their new position player called a "running back". Maybe by putting pressure on the Jesus freak, they can get the guy to toss the ball right into the hands of Dominique Franks. Great Zeus' Beard, that would be poetic. Did you know that Oklahoma led the nation in turnover margin at +23. That is a positive twenty three. If I were Bob Stoops I would be worshiping at the altar of Ole Miss for forcing turnovers on Florida. I would also like to cream them the way Ole Miss did after taking the ball away from the Gators all day.
In terms of offense, Oklahoma will win this game because they will keep the game fast paced. Stoops will run the shotgun all night long giving the Sooners twice as many plays as the GAYtors. For all these high flying-fast paced plays to work, Bradford will need to create big plays with Juaquin Iglesias. I LOVE This guy. It's almost uncomfortable for me. If Percy Harvin is Superman, then Iglesias is that bad ass super villain Nuclear Man in the movie Superman IV. What's that? No one has seen Superman IV. Oh. Well take my word for it. Iglesias is the shit of all shits. He can catch syphilis in a Tibetan monastery. He'll probably finish with 45 catches for 9740 yards. Oh and 12 TDs. Tebow is going down tonight.
Final score: Oklahoma1374 Florida 789.
I mean, come on. Look at that picture. Who wouldn't pick Oklahoma after seeing that? Probably Jesus... and the Jews... And your Mom.

Florida Will Win The National Champsionship Because.....

posted Jan 8, 2009, 11:19 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:11 PM ]

Life sucks and no one wants Florida to win except ESPN and maybe Jesus (although he might be Faggot). The game starts and ends with Tebow. When he is angry and he is angry, thank you very much Dominique Franks, Timmy boy takes the game into his own hands and just wins, baby. He's Brett Favre Junior out there. He's just having fun, but damnit  it all to hell, he's having fun by making his team win football games. The announcers will make similar arguments all night forcing you wonder what it feels like to eat a chainsaw.
Percy Harvin isn't as injured as everyone PERCYves him to be (I'm a genius with this fucking language). When that offensive line give Tebow some extra time, Harvin is booking it down the field and catching that pigskin that the Favre Junior is tossing him. I can see Urban Meyer calling a couple of plays this game where he has Tebow chuck the ball deep to Harvin in an attempt to put Florida ahead by a few scores. Every coach tries this shit in a big game for two reasons 1) Because he's an ego maniac and wants to demoralize the opponent and 2) Because he's an ego maniac and wants to demoralize any team watching the game who believes they are the true number 1 team in the country. Point no. 2 never works because people always find a reason to bitch.
A few years ago, there was talk of a running game at Florida but no one believed such rubbish. Who needs a running back when Tebow won't hand off to one and runs the ball himself? Well times have changed. Florida has no not one, but TWO running backs in Jeff Demps and Chis "Make it" Rainy. I just made up that nickname! Isn't it just MINT? No? Fuck you then. This offense isn't only Tebow. That's the reason why the Gators outscored every team they faced in the last half of the season by an average of 423 points. But enough about offense.
Florida Linebacker Brandon Spikes recently said that offenses sell tickets but defenses win championships. Who would have that a native of Shelby, North Carolina could construct such a fundamentally sound argument without the use of adderall and a tutor? Not me. But damnit, Spikes is right. This Florida defensive line put a hurtin' on then number one Alabama a few weeks back, a offense which everyone loved to fellate. Florida has also faced some of the toughest defenses in the country in their conference. Oklahoma on the other hand? Not so much. I'm not even sure if Oklahoma played defense the last few games. I'm not saying the Big 12 holds a bunch of defensive pussies, but Florida has had better practice against stouter defenses.
So because Florida has a better defense based on conference strength and their ability to dominate teams on the offensive side of the ball, Florida will win this game. For the sake of being a dick, I'll predict the final score as, let me think for a second, How about Florida 645 Oklahoma 567? I thought that sounded good too.

BCS National Championship: Oklahoma Versus Florida

posted Jan 8, 2009, 8:49 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:11 PM ]

I wish I could say I know who is going to win this game. I like both teams too much to pick a favorite. I just hope this is going to be better than the last two year' National Championship games (They Sucked). The above picture could go either way. The disease infested settler could end up throwing the Indian off the cliff. Or the illiterate savage could throw the missionary off the cliff. If your favorite team is any conference or a faggy independent (yeah, you Notre Dame), you probably want them both to die. Since I couldn't pick a team, I decided to write two previews for this game with the intention of favoring one team over the other. I didn't plan on this until I found two pictures with underlying meanings for each team's favored outcome. I wish every game was like this though. It feels like the Superbowl with all the hype placed on the game. Both defenses are trashing each others' conferences in the media. There is a historical aspect to this game too, and who doesn't love history? One quarterback has American Indian blood in him so you know his ancestors had some fucking religion pushed on them. The other quarterback is a Jesus freak whose ancestors and he himself push their fucking religion on other people. Bradford and Tebow should make a gentlemans' bet and agree that if Florida wins, Bradford has to be baptized with holy water or you know, baptized with bullets. If Oklahoma wins, Tim Tebow gets scalped and burned at the stake. That won't happen though because people are stupid and don't want to bet their lives on meaningless games anymore. Fucking people, man. What a bunch of jerkoffs.

Beanie Wells Closes Injury-Riddled College Career, Looks forward to Injury-Riddled Pro Career

posted Jan 6, 2009, 11:48 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:14 PM ]

Yale Loses Bet To Harvard, Hires Black Footbal Coach

posted Jan 6, 2009, 5:55 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:15 PM ]

In holding up to the bet placed before the annual Harvard-Yale football game, Yale has agreed to hire a black football coach. The 10-0 loss came on November 22 but according to sources, the loser was required to replace their current white head coach with a black one at some point before the next season. Yale is set to recognize their end of the wager by announcing later today that the new head coach of their football program will be the current Jacksonville Jaguars' assistant coach Tom Williams, a full fledged African-American.  Many critics have vocalized their disdain for such an inherently racist bet by two equally prestigious and pretentious institutions. After hearing of criticisms both Harvard and Yale's presidents issued a joint press release stating "Who cares what you people think, we're going to make more money than you people, we're going to have better jobs than you people, we're going to better remembered than you people. Get over it". Upon hearing of this, Sports Illustrated college football maven, Stewart Mandel said "Yale and Harvard still have football teams? That's weird."

1-10 of 23