Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to alert you to a very exciting partnership I have just entered into with, well, with myself. Here's how it works - you send me your favorite piece of furniture and an envelope full of cash. I carve something awesome into the furniture and write you a letter saying I need more cash. Once you send more, I ship your newly awesome furniture back to you, C.O.D. Voila! You've now acquired a literally one-of-a-kind work by your favorite sports columnist/martial arts expert/actor (in that order).
You may be wondering what kind of art work we're talking about, here. I offer you this picture of my own coffee table as an example:
Yes, your coffee table could be this awesome. Well, probably not quite as awesome. Your coffee table probably sucks to begin with - and I'm not a miracle worker - but I can definitely make it considerably more awesome by carving, say, "GLUTTONY," or "RAPE," into the top of it.
So, if you want your furniture to be cool, send it to me and I'll carve something into it. I briefly considered the idea of offering a Steven Seagal Customized Kitchen service, whereby I come to your home and carve all sorts of awesome shit into your permanent, unmovable furniture and appliances - like refrigerators, cabinets, stoves, and countertops - but my legal team forced me to abandon it when I started talking about carving awesome shit into the customer's forehead during my sample sales pitch. Plus, I don't think there exists a market rich enough to pay me to come to their place, anyway. They'd probably want me to hang out, and that would cost billions. BEFORE the lawsuits.
Anyway, send me your furniture and a pile of money and I'll carve some awesome shit into it.
Also, I'm in the process of legally registering as trademarks to the Steven Seagal name all sorts of awesome words, like "Betrayal," "Violence," "Holocaust," "Rape," and all of the 7 deadly sins. Basically, if the word is awesome, I'll have trademarked it within the next few months - so use it now as often as possible, because you'll be paying me afterwards, whether it's on your furniture (like it should be) or not.