Ladies and Gentlemen, I would like to alert you to a very exciting partnership I have just entered into with, well, with myself. Here's how it works - you send me your favorite piece of furniture and an envelope full of cash. I carve something awesome into the furniture and write you a letter saying I need more cash. Once you send more, I ship your newly awesome furniture back to you, C.O.D. Voila! You've now acquired a literally one-of-a-kind work by your favorite sports columnist/martial arts expert/actor (in that order).
You may be wondering what kind of art work we're talking about, here. I offer you this picture of my own coffee table as an example:
Yes, your coffee table could be this awesome. Well, probably not quite as awesome. Your coffee table probably sucks to begin with - and I'm not a miracle worker - but I can definitely make it considerably more awesome by carving, say, "GLUTTONY," or "RAPE," into the top of it.
So, if you want your furniture to be cool, send it to me and I'll carve something into it. I briefly considered the idea of offering a Steven Seagal Customized Kitchen service, whereby I come to your home and carve all sorts of awesome shit into your permanent, unmovable furniture and appliances - like refrigerators, cabinets, stoves, and countertops - but my legal team forced me to abandon it when I started talking about carving awesome shit into the customer's forehead during my sample sales pitch. Plus, I don't think there exists a market rich enough to pay me to come to their place, anyway. They'd probably want me to hang out, and that would cost billions. BEFORE the lawsuits.
Anyway, send me your furniture and a pile of money and I'll carve some awesome shit into it.
Also, I'm in the process of legally registering as trademarks to the Steven Seagal name all sorts of awesome words, like "Betrayal," "Violence," "Holocaust," "Rape," and all of the 7 deadly sins. Basically, if the word is awesome, I'll have trademarked it within the next few months - so use it now as often as possible, because you'll be paying me afterwards, whether it's on your furniture (like it should be) or not.
I thirst for the blood of the enemies of Metal that have obtained a stranglehold on my homeland - New York City. I cannot abide the enemies of Metal any longer, and I am issuing this Call to Arms to the thousands of Brothers of True Metal who are scattered throughout this city, searching for a home and a leader. You must answer this call - we will do all we can to provide the home, but the leadership must come from you.
My dream is to provide a stronghold in New York City, where the Brothers of True Metal will remain forever until our kingdom is won. It will be a Hall where wimps, posers, and hipsters are eviscerated at the door. Their blood will run in rivers across the floor and we will bathe in it as we drink to the power, the sound, and our Brothers of Metal - who are never to fall. This will be the home for which we Defenders of Steel have long been waiting.
What is your role in all of this? First of all, you will stock the jukebox. We will start with the complete Manowar discography and various other Magic Circle bands, and add any and all other bands you choose. Secondly, we don't have much money. You will finance the building and any major renovations that must be completed. We will provide all manpower to run and maintain the Hall once it is in place, at no cost to you. You will receive a percentage of the profits for all alcohol sales, as well as all of the profits for all Manowar memorabilia sold. Finally, we will construct a stage for you to break both your loudest and longest concert records simultaneously by playing for 6 hours uninterrupted at 150 decibals.
Our armies in England, Ireland, Scotland and Wales
Our brothers in Belgium, Holland and France
Will not fail
Denmark, Sweden, Norway, Finland, Italy
Back to the glory of Germany
What about your armies in New York? You have been fighting the battle abroad for many years. Back home here in New York, the Brotherhood of Metal is scattered and fractured - wandering in the desert - but we are thousands strong. Don't negelct us. We long to wet our steel with the blood of hipsters and unbelievers. We will rape their women as they cry. We will look into their eyes as we cleanse them of their lies with the purity of our steel. We will laugh as we drink their blood and piss on their graves. We will kill their servants and burn their homes until there is no blood left to spill.
New York City will feel our wrath. Unite us and claim your rightful throne.
Fulfill your prophesy. Return home to lead us. Your Brotherhood awaits.
Note to our readers: This story has been submitted to the Ultimate MANOWAR Fan Contest. We don't know how to do anything but win, so we'll see you in Germany at the Magic Circle Festival III.
We received a request from KY to partner with us in the infancy of Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun, but we didn't see it as much of a fit. No pun intended. Anyway, recent events have caused us to rethink our position, and we've put together a powerful advertising partnership for KY. This is about as high profile as it gets:
"The pressures on a major league ballplayer in the sports media capital of the world are enormous, and sometimes, those pressures can interfere with your love life. As you probably know, I don't see a problem with getting a little artificial help now and again, which is why I wish I knew about KY Intimate Lubricant long ago. It would have helped me with my poetic romp with that dessicated bitch, Madonna. But mostly, it would have saved my 2009 season. You see, when I arrived in camp for the World Baseball Classic Dominican Team, I was held down and raped by a roid-raging Miguel Tejada and many others, including Adrian Beltre, David Ortiz, Hanley Ramirez, Jose Reyes, and Pedro Martinez in an innocent bit of hazing. Their unyielding strength and force, though strangely comforting, also had disastrous effects on my body that will require surgery to repair. If only I had my bottle of KY to hand them, they could've had their fun and I would still be playing for the Yanks this April. Just because you're not a major league ballplayer doesn't mean you shouldn't be prepared for anything. Always carry a bottle of KY, because you never know who is lurking around the next corner! And remember, A Rod Could Always Use A Little Grease!
I was watching SNY's NY Mets coverage of the spring training game against Houston today and I saw a Perillo Tours commercial for their Israel package. I thought we might make a good advertising partner, so I pitched them our services and they agreed to let us design them an ad for the tour. Without further ado,
"Ever walk down a crowded street and hear a voice say something that you couldn't quite hear or understand, but it left you with a vague feeling that you were just insulted? Did you look for the source of the insult and not find anyone willing to own up to the offense? And when you started screaming at everyone within earshot to stop insulting your family, did they just stare blankly at you? Did anyone call the police? If the answer to all or some of these is "yes," did you blow up the nearest car with two shotguns? Probably not, because you're a whiny little bitch and you don't carry two shotguns. The only way to send a message to that voice is with two shotguns - which is why you should carry them at all times, under a trenchcoat. Do Not Go Gentle."
A reminder from The Rock and the NRA.
A few months ago, we here at eHarmony announced our Compatible Partners sister site (get it?) for homosexual couples seeking matches based on the same proven eHarmony Matching system we developed for heterosexual couples. Today, we announce a new initiative, call it a son site (again, get it?) for those adult males seeking a meaningful romantic connection with small children. We have selected Red Sox MVP Second Baseman Dustin Pedroia, a man who, in his own words, "knows a little bit about pedophilia - from both points of view" as our official spokesman.
"My brother Brett and I were lucky to have Uncle Frank to enter into a long term, committed cycle of abuse with. But some children aren't so lucky, and are stuck perusing chat rooms looking for interesting older men for experiences that eventually turn out to be fleeting and unsatisfying. eHarmony - Little Tykes Edition is geared towards those children and middle aged men looking for the type of committed, long term relationships like the one that shaped me into the MVP 2nd Baseman I am today. Not everyone has an Uncle Frank, but now, thanks to eHarmony - Little Tykes Edition, that won't stop them from being consistently molested on a long term basis by the same strange man."