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posted Apr 15, 2009, 5:04 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Jan 11, 2012, 9:00 AM ]

New York Giants Defense Strikes First in NFC Divisional Showdown Posted in NFL January 11, 2012

This Is What Dreams Are Made Of! Posted in This Is What Dreams Are Made Of! February 6, 2010

Official Steven Seagal Customizable Furniture! Posted in Marketing Partnerships February 6, 2010

Thanks, Mets! Posted in MLB February 6, 2010

The End of an Era... Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage January 26, 2010

Omar Minaya Anxiously Awaiting $21.5M Check From Angels Posted in MLB January 24, 2010

The Brett Favre Silver Lining Posted in NFL January 23, 2010

The Bernard Pollard Fan Club Just Got One Very Influential Member Posted in NFL January 10, 2010

Fuck You. Posted in MLB January 2, 2010

Hero Shawne Merriman Saves San Diego Motorists from Drunk & Disorderly Tila Tequila Posted in NFL September 12, 2009

Jerry Hairston Jr. Distracted by Screaming Michael Kay Posted in MLB August 31, 2009

Jon Gruden Doesn't Know How To Sum Up Adrian Peterson, But He's About To Try... Posted in NFL August 31, 2009

Hey, Z Z, Does Your S&C Coach Ever Use A Hammer? Posted in MLB August 30, 2009

Holy Fuckin' Shit, It's Been 1 Month Since We Posted an NFL Story Posted in NFL August 23, 2009

Retractions, Corrections, and Clarifications... Posted in MLB August 6, 2009

Luis Castillo Dead After Falling Down Dugout Stairs Posted in MLB August 5, 2009

Prince Fielder Tries To Invade Dodgers Clubhouse After Hearing About Post Game Food Spread Posted in MLB August 5, 2009

US Economy Contracts Only 1.0% In Second Quarter!  Carlos Beltran's Knee Hurts Only Twice Shagging Fly Balls in Outfield!  Hooray! Posted in MLB August 4, 2009

My Apologies to Francis and Sully from South Boston, But Big Papi is Big Fucking Liar Posted in MLB July 31, 2009

Will Someone Please Think Of The Children? Posted in MLB July 30, 2009

Omar Minaya: "In Addition, Adam Rubin Also Ran A Prostitution Ring."  Posted in MLB July 30, 2009

For Christ's Sake, Give The Man Back His Savings! Posted in MLB July 29, 2009

"It Is An Awful Day Here In Metland." Posted in MLB July 27, 2009

This Should Happen Every Day Posted in MLB July 26, 2009

This is Why People Hate the Yankees Posted in MLB July 25, 2009

Ozzie Guillen on Mark Buehrle's Perfect Game: "Mark Buehrle Ain't No Fuckin' Fag." - Posted in MLB July 24, 2009

Mets Trade Ryan Church for Giant Jeff Francoeur Posted in MLB July 24, 2009

This Is What Dreams Are Made Of!  Posted in This Is What Dreams Are Made Of! July 23, 2009

Ben Roethlisberger Didn't Rape Anyone and Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Will Tell You Why Posted in NFL July 23, 2009

Toxicology Report Concludes Steve McNair Still Dead of a Gunshot Wound But With Pot In System Posted in NFL July 21, 2009

There Is Something Vaguely Familiar About This Whole Erin Andrews Peephole Incident Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage July 19, 2009

Dog Bites Man; Scumbag Plays For Eagles Posted in NFL July 19, 2009

This Is Not A Pornography Site No Matter What Your Parents, Friends, Therapists and Coworkers Say Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage July 16, 2009

Rob Neyer is a Douchebag and a Terrible Journalist Posted in MLB July 13, 2009

Monkeyface! Posted in MLB July 12, 2009

Vince Young Commits Suicide At Steve McNair's Funeral Posted in NFL July 12, 2009

Jerry Manuel - Not Injuries - Is Responsible for the Unwatchability of the 2009 NY Mets Posted in MLB July 11, 2009

Mr. Cone Goes to (Jerks off in) Washington Posted in MLB July 10, 2009

We Run This Shit Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage July 10, 2009

Giants' Boley Suspended for Having a Wife Who Doesn't Understand That He Beats Her Because He Loves Her So Much Posted in NFL July 8, 2009

NY Mets Continue To Lull NL East Into False Sense of Security Posted in MLB July 6, 2009

It Should Have Been You, Other Black Quarterback With An Irish Last Name Posted in NFL July 5, 2009

Take That Planet Earth, Mars, Pluto, Glogrons of Nebula 14, Universe and God, You Are No Match Against America's Hot Dog Eating Skills Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage July 4, 2009

Here's a Good Idea! Posted in NHL July 3, 2009

The Prince of Yankeeland Gots Such Purty Eyes Posted  in MLB July 3, 2009

No Caption Necessary Posted in MLB July 2, 2009

Goodbye Gomez, Hello Higgins Posted in NHL July 1, 2009

Paul Byrd Disappointed in his Biological Brother Marlon Byrd Posted in MLB June 29, 2009

J.C. Romero Choked a Guy and You Shouldn't be Surprised Posted in MLB June 28, 2009

Where Has The MLB Players' Association Gone?  Posted in MLB June 26, 2009

Steven Seagal Votes Negative on ESPY Awards Best Play Nominee Against Much Wishes of Russian Who Calls Garden Smelly and Lacks Still Breathing Brother (With Video Playing Device, Yes!) Posted in NHL: June 25, 2009

Nick Swisher Continues to Impress Posted in MLB June 25, 2009

Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Admits: "My Mouth Waters When Weiners Goes Deep" Posted in MLB June 24, 2009

Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Overhears Conversation Between The Creator of the Universe and High School Girl Posted in NFL June 24, 2009

Gimme A Tape-Up, Mothafucka! Posted in MLB June 23, 2009

Yankees File Protest After Marlins Substitution Mix-up, Jeter's Patented Jump-Pivot-Throw to First Posted in MLB June 23, 2009

Alex Rodriguez Noticeably Quiet While Teammates Discuss What They Did on Father's Day Posted in MLB June 23, 2009

Donte Stallworth Gets 30 Days in the Clink Posted in NFL June 17, 2009

Yes, That's Blood  Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage June 14, 2009

1 Boy, 1 Man and 1 Cup Posted in NHL June 13, 2009

Mark Teixeira Suffers A Debilitating Stroke Following Yankees Win Posted in MLB June 13, 2009

According to a New York Times Poll, Women Prefer Yankees over Mets Posted in MLB June 12, 2009

I Feel the Same Way, A-Rod Posted in MLB June 12, 2009

Even the Cowboys Hate the Cowboys Posted in NFL June 11, 2009

Ryan Zimmerman, Adam Dunn Not Injured in Holocaust Museum Shooting Posted in MLB June 11, 2009

Josh Hamilton Extremely Excited for Post Surgery Pain Killer Prescription Posted in MLB June 9, 2009

NY Mets Regret Hiring Mr. Bill As Strength and Conditioning Coach Posted in MLB June 6, 2009

Nick Swisher's Grandmother to Nick Swisher: "Stop Looking at Me and Hit the Fucking Ball, You Pussy."
Posted in MLB June 6, 2009

Buster Olney: "Tom Glavine Should Be Bludgeoned to Death and Left in a Pool of Blood in the Garage of His Family's Home." 
Posted in MLB June 6, 2009


Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Breathes a Sigh of Relief as Ryan Braun Photos Surface... For Now Posted in MLB June 4, 2009

Lizzie McGuire's Kung Fu Master Uncle Found Dead in Thailand Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage June 4, 2009

Nate McClouth Escapes from the Clutches of Pirates
Posted in MLB June 4, 2009

High Jeter
Posted in MLB June 3, 2009

Ramon Hernandez Put Down the Gun Papparazzi Exclusive: Tony Romo Shows Off New Windshield Sticker With Jessica Simpson Posted in NFL June 2, 2009

This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things Posted in Micellaneous Garbage June 1, 2009

It's Official: Stephen Strasburg Sucks Posted in MLB May 30, 2009

"I Love Weiners," says Seagal, Directs Website Camp to "Get On Board Or Get The Fuck Out."
  Posted in MLB May 29, 2009
 
 
 
 
 
 
Texas Rangers Can't Take Pitches Posted in MLB May 17, 2009

A Glimpse Into Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun North Manhattan Office Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage May 17, 2009

Magic Cancer Bracelet Allows Brett Gardner to Hit an Inside-the-Park Home Run and Not Have Cancer Posted in MLB May 16, 2009

Suzyn Waldman Has Discovered The Internet Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage May 16, 2009

Milton Bradley on One Game Suspension: "This is going to be awesome!" Posted in MLB May 15, 2009

Ryan Zimmerman Reveals Secret of Hitting Streak to Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun Posted in MLB May 13, 2009

The Creator of the Universe Cares Not for Braylon Edwards, Anquan Boldin or Humor
Posted in NFL May 12, 2009

Nation's Sons Resent Handsome Mama's Boy David Wright for Using Pink Bat On Mother's Day
Posted in MLB May 10, 2009 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
Lyle Overbay Convinces Steven Seagal to Drop Dan Haren and Pick Up Scott Richmond Posted in MLB on April 27, 2009

Check Out Our New Awesome Motherfucking Logo You Stupid Fucking Bastards
Posted HERE at The Dawn of Time
 
 
 
 
 
 
This Is What Dreams Are Made Of! Posted in This Is What Dreams Are Made Of! April 21, 2009

Girardi Skips Wang's Next Start But Tells Wang The Other Team Forfeited Posted in MLB April 21, 2009

Who The Fuck is Simeon Varlamov? 
Posted in NHL April 20, 2009
 
Google's View of Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun - UPDATE! Originally Posted in Marketing Partnerships March 16, 2009 - Updated April 20, 2009
 
Washington Capitals @ NY Rangers Game Three Preview Posted in NHL April 20, 2009

A Call To Arms
Posted in Marketing Partnerships April 19, 2009
 
 
 
 
In Memory of Harry Caray Posted in MLB April 13, 2009
 
 
Final Game Preview and Season "Rape" Up Posted in NHL April 12, 2009
 
Alex Rodriguez Overseeing Own Rehab Posted in MLB April 11, 2009
 
 Mike Lupica "gets look" at Adenhart Tragedy Posted in MLB April 11, 2009
 
Visit the Site, South Dakota Posted in Miscellaneous Garbage April 10, 2009
 
Rangers Gives Berth To Playoff Spot Posted in NHL April 10, 2009
 
 
 
I Cannot Escape Kyle Farnsworth Posted in MLB April 8, 2009

Earlier posts are categorized under their appropriate related sport.  We are too lazy to go back and put them all here.
 

There's A New Sheriff In Town - And It's This Post

posted Mar 17, 2009, 8:12 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Mar 17, 2009, 3:24 PM ]

            I'm flying high over Tupelo, Mississippi with the America's hottest competitive eaters, and we're all about to die. Actually no, I'm at Gallaghers Steak house for the first annual Stroehmann's Sandwich Slamm corned beef sandwich eating contest, it's 11:25 am on Monday morning, I'm hungover and there is open bar. You know exactly where this is going. After 25 seconds, I order a jack and coke, telling the bartender "it's 5 of clock somewhere" as he gives me a shifty look. I quickly feel like an idiot, not for ordering a drink but for giving the bartender an excuse.  As if I give fuck what he thinks.
 
            The place is barren.  Just a few reps from Stroehmann (the sponsor), a scattering of competitive eaters, and me - the first member of the press. I learn from a rep, Jim Ostling, that Stroehmann was recently purchased by a conglomerate corporation named Bimbo. Jim hands me his old card and tells me to write bimbo on it and I tell him I'll remember it because I like bimbos. He doesn't get the joke. It wasn't a very good joke, so I don't mind.
 
            There are ten eaters competing in the event. Most of the big names are here. Tim "Eater X" Janus, Crazy Legs Conti, Patrick Philbin, Hall "Hallelujah" Hunt, Pat Bertoletti are milling around, chatting with one another.  All look hungry and focused, hoping to take home the $5000 purse. And of course, the no. 1 eater in the world and favorite to win, Joey Chestnut is there. Surprisingly, Takeru Kobayashi and Sonya "The Black Widow" Thomas are missing. Rick the Manager introduces me to some young ladies from Spain that he had met the previous night. They speak very little English but I learn that they've been in the states for just two days.  It's great to see that they're spending their time wisely and not visiting the fucking Empire State Building or some other such bullshit.  They have no idea what they're in for. I've had three jack and cokes already and the competition shows no signs of being organized enough to begin.

Badlands Booker gives the Spanish chicks some culture.  Probably right before he gave them some beef of his own.
 
            Once the press shows up, Richard Shea - the godfather of the competitive eating circuit - waxes poetic on the sport, Stroehmann, grandpa Stroehmann, and life in general. He also talks about rap music and unapologetically tells the crowd that people know nothing about old school rap. This is the introduction for Eric Badlands Booker - conductor of the 7 line subway, today's judge, competitive eater and musician - to lay down some sick rhymes for the crowd. He's a true renaissance man.

            I chat with Pat Bertoletti for a bit and he tells me the bread is going to be rough on his esophagus. He also asks me what I'm drinking and I say Jack Daniels. He gives me painful, yet respectful, look as if Jack is too much for him. This is the same guy who ingested a record 10.63 lbs of corned beef in 10 minutes exactly one year ago.  Hey, to each his own, I guess. If I was a betting man, I'd put my money on Pat.  Even Joey Chestnut tells me that the "mohawked guy" has a good chance of winning.  He's right.  Pat Bertoletti holds the corned beef sandwich and corned beef & cabbage eating records
 
            There is a silly eating competition between members of Stroehmann's, prior to the main event. They are each given a few sandwiches and asked to eat them as quickly as possible in about 5 minutes. They are pathetic. I may be drunk, but I can demolish them in this competition. I'd also kill a few hundred people to win signed copies of Badlands Booker's rap albums - the purse in this event.
 
            Once the pretenders finish up, Richard Shea asks everyone to leave the stage area so that he can introduce the contenders. Each eater files into their spot at the table while Richard Shea gives outrageous introductions. The press members aren 't sure what to do, as only a few laugh uncomfortably at Richard Shea's jokes. It should be noted that Richard Shea borderline gropes the attractive competitor Juliet Lee when introducing her. I don't blame him. I'd grope the fuck out of that Asian chick even with the knowledge of knowing that in a just a few minutes she'll be pounding corned beef sandwiches in her tiny gullet.  I felt so strongly about this that I thought it important enough to note in my cell phone notepad that "I would fuck the corned beef out of Juliet Lee."  As the eaters enter the press's field of vision, Richard Shea becomes more and more excited. He even says that he is getting "emotional". Me too, Richard. Me too.

I was so excited about Juliet Lee that I couldn't hold the camera steady enough to get a decent shot.  Insert beef joke here.  Hah, get it?  Cause I'd like to insert my beef in her.  Hot beef injection!
 
            After each eater is introduced, they assemble their drinks - the esophageal lubricants - accordingly. Pat Bertoletti uses red Gatorade, but I like to think of it as blood. Crazy Legs Conti has an amber colored drink which I immediately and will forever assume is beer. Joe Chestnut uses water, I guess a testament to the purity of the sport. Sports writers like to philosophize about athletes doing mundane tasks as if they are earth shattering events. There is Michael Jordan lacing his shoes,, Wayne Gretzky taping his stick, David Berkowitz polishing his .44, and Tiger Woods handling a golf club. I get the same feeling watching Joey Chestnut meticulously arranging cups of water in front of him. He is also fierce about the setup in front of him, as merited by him telling Pat Bertoletti to "move his goddman stuff" out of Joey's way.
 
            The event is set to begin in roughly 5 minutes and Pat Bertoletti, who remembers me from the Hot Dog eating contest, asks me to record the competition on his video camera. Yes, I'm bragging and no, I'm not a groupie. Nasty Nate, an eater not competing in the event, calls himself a groupie and calls me one too. I jokingly tell him to go fuck himself. Maybe he's right, though - unbeknownst to me at this time, a few hours from now I will be at yet another competitive eating after party.

This has been hanging over my bed for two years now.  Yes, that's Pat Bertoletti's signature - the
 sign was actually made by Bertoletti's family.  We had our own "Bertoletti For President" sign created
 from cardboard from an 18 pack of Budweiser, and they were so happy he had fans they exchanged
 signs with us.  Pat signed ours.  They insisted we sign theirs.  Pat says he still has it.
I'm not a groupie.

            The contest begins with every press member frantically snapping photos of each contenders slamming sandwiches into their face. After about 6 minutes, some of them appear to be either bored or disgusted. The feverishly tired eaters are pushing themselves to the brink. They appear to be sweating, or crying, I can't tell. Pat Bertoletti,  Eater X, "Humble Bob" Shoudt and Joey Chestnut are leading the pack as each has consumed over ten sandwiches. I'm trying to simultaneously drink my 5th jack and coke, record the event on Bertoletti's camera, and take pictures on my camera, but some fuckface keeps getting in my way. 2 or 3 more drinks and I might have the drunk courage to punch him in the fuckface's stupid fucking face.

Check out this fuckface's stupid fucking beard on his stupid fucking face.
   
         The Sandwich Slamm ends with each eater having their faces absolutely stuffed, hoping that whatever they have will stay in their mouths and be counted as sandwiches eaten. Badlands Booker looks over his eaters plates and compiles the totals. After the totals are tallied, Richard Shea gives the order of eaters in ascending order. The tail end holds Beautiful Brian with 5 and a half sandwiches. That's a lot, but fails to register an applause from the crowd. The crowd is just waiting to hear how much Joey Chesnut ate. As the final few contenders are named, it's becoming clear that it's going to come down to Bob Shoudt, Joey Chestnut and Pat Bertoletti. Bob Shoudt threw down 13 for third place. Joey Chestnut - who ate 15 and a half, and was also the favorite - is upstaged by Pat Bertoletti who consumed an ongodly 16 and 3/4 sandwiches in 10 minutes. I should have bet on this, you know, if I was a degenerate gambler.
  

Bertoletti makes Chestnut his bitch.

          After it's over, Pat and Joey are interviewed by a few television and newspaper reporters. They ask the usual boring questions so I stick around for a few minutes and then go grab myself a beer or 3. A few reporters stick around to get some last quotes from Stroehmann reps and eaters while a choice few take advantage of the free food and booze. Patrick Philbin tells me he doesn't want to sign a bunch of t shirts after Richard Shea order all the eaters to do so. Philbin tells me "I feel like Ted Williams. You'll have to freeze me" to which I reply "I'll chop off your head".  He laughs, but I'm dead serious. I talk with the proprietor of dsovideo.com for bit and we are asked by a new york post reporter if we are "real people". After telling him we are robots, he asks if we are disgusted with what we saw. I tell him that in no way am I disgusted with what I saw. It actually made me hungry. That could just be the booze though. The FREE booze. Open bar, dude.

New Advertising Partnerships

posted Feb 17, 2009, 6:49 PM by Steven Seagal

We here at ramonhernandezputdownthegunbecausewepinchhitforourcatcherandwedon'thaveanypositionplayersleftonthebench.com are extremely pleased to announce our new advertising partnerships with various companies, organizations, or agencies.  Ads will be on their own separate sidebar, as they are not simply link type ads but are advertising partnerships for products or ideas that we support and therefore endorse.

Advertisers, if you're marketing something awesome and trying to reach the male age 18-35 and the crazy demographics, we seem to draw the majority of our readership from those groups  and we are a very attractive partner.

Finally,

Check out our new advertising* sidebar!

* These ads are totally awesome and absolutely represent the views of ramonhernandezputdownthegunbecausewepinchhitforourcatcherandwedon'thaveanypositionplayersleftonthebench.com.  They may, however, not actually represent the views of the products portrayed - though, clearly, they should.

Comments Section

posted Feb 16, 2009, 5:48 AM by Steven Seagal

We've often been asked why users can't leave comments on the site, and our first response was because if we opened it up to everyone, Dr. Foxyrotten would turn our website into a Hitler Youth Rally with his pedophilic tendencies and hate filled rants.  We then relented, but we use google sites for our webhosting which doesn't support user comments.  Fortunately, I found a workaround that may be useful.

Although ideally we'd like people to be able to comment on individual stories, the workaround only allows for a separate page, so that's what we've got.  If you direct your attention to the sidebar, you will see that, in addition to the pages created by yesterday's massive reorganization, we also have a Comments page.  Go there and try it out.  If you submit a comment in the form, it will show up in a few minutes on the spreadsheet below. 

Dr. Foxyrotten, the floor is yours.

New Format

posted Feb 15, 2009, 11:58 AM by Steven Seagal   [ updated Feb 15, 2009, 12:06 PM ]

Gentlemen,

We here at Ramon Hernandez Put Down The Gun are high, unable to come up with any new posts, and therefore doing a little spring cleaning.  We direct your attention to the sidebar (that's the bar on the side of the page, dumbfuck).  There you will find links to pages that organize our posts by the sport with which they are affiliated.  A good deal of what we post is miscellaneous garbage, and will be categorized as such.  We hope you enjoy our new look.  Of course, it goes without saying that if you don't enjoy it, we don't give a fuck.

You're welcome,
Steven Seagal

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